Mr. Xcitement
10-17-2005, 01:45 AM
I know the Bible says to respect and listen to our parents and everything, but my parents for years have dug themselves into a hole, they never budget, waste their money, they're in their 50s and have already taken loans out on their retirement funds, and my dads work has been slowly going under...and there is 4 of us kids (me being the only christian though), one brother doesn't work, and refuses to (he's 24), my sister...well she doesn't pay at all for where she lives and they buy themselves expensive things, but refuse to ever help anyone out, but are always will to stab someone in the back to get her way, my other brother just bought his house so he can't do anything, and I'm getting myself out of debt and settling my family down, so I can't help them, and I know they're going to start asking everyone for money soon, but they already blow probably $200 a week on going out to drink and gambling, I really have no clue what to do anymore, I hardly see them because I work overnights now, and I'm almost never here since I'm over with my family when I'm awake (yet my parents want me to pay rent while my older brother eats half the food, uses about half the electricity and is home all the time and doesn't pay rent), and I can't afford to, nor do I want to because I know they'll waste the money and keep trying to up the rent, I need to get out of here and get my own place to live, but I need to face the facts that, that won't happen probably till the spring...I guess this post could go in a bunch of areas, because we are sort of in need of prayer for this, but I also want feedback on what people think we should do, because my oldest brother and sister basically raised me while my parents did this, they've been doing this for...about 12 years now, they've taken loans out on their retirement funds so they have none left, and they're house (although they did do a few things to it) needs a lot of work, all they do is try and cover up problems, never discuss anything, and try to make everything seem like everone elses fault...well I'll stop ranting now...I need sleep...

skynes
10-17-2005, 06:39 AM
I'll be honest. I haven't a clue.

It reminds me very much of my dad and his demands. You made an agreement with him, you do this and he'll do this. 6 months done the line its you do this AND this and hell do this... then its you do this AND this AND some more and hell do this... It stinks utterly.


Where is it you're living? You say you're over with family during the day yet your parents want rent?

JustJill
10-17-2005, 09:28 AM
Move out.

If you are old enough...that is an appropriate thing to do developmentally. Where there is a will(GOD'S)...there will be a way.

It is not respecting/Honoring your parents to continue to subsidize their sins..which have become HABITS. It is certainly not an act of Love- it is strictly indulgence to continue to be a witness to..or even a party to (accessory to thier sins) by way of supporting them.

Just be careful what you say about their SINS-HABITS because everyone makes mistakes...and the Sawdust you see in their eyes just might turn out to be the Plank in your eye one day.

EVERYONE NEEDS FORGIVENESS- forgiving them does not mean you have to continue to contribute to this lifestyle. Turning the other Cheek does not mean continue to be taken advantage of. We are not called as Christians to be VICTIMS.

I say if you can MOVE OUT- but do it in a spirit of "It is time for me to jump outta the nest"...Stay with your siblings who just bought a new house...isn't rent money to them...much better spent?

Which Company would you contribute to by buying shoes

one that chains children to the sewing machines in a third world nation or one that pays adults a fair living wage????

Where Your Rent dollars get spent is your choice.

Love is not always warm gushiness...It also an act of LOVE, even if it is tough to do, to discipline those that need it when they need it.

-WE all need to be called into Accountability- that is at the essence of being SAVED.

Yours in Christ

Mr. Xcitement
10-18-2005, 01:34 AM
Thank you for your advice, I know I need to get out of here and get my own place, I'm working hard on that, but I don't think I'll be out till the spring, which I know isn't really too far away, but when you're here, it seems far away.

skilletosis
10-18-2005, 08:42 AM
Until you can afford to move out you need to pay them rent if that is what they require for you to stay there. It really doesn't matter what your brother does or doesn't do when it comes to rent. If he want to be a bump on a log and do nothing to make something of himself then that's his issue. Nor does it matter what your parents are doing with the money that you pay for rent. Think of it this way they are in thier 50's and have two adult sons in thier home who aren't contributing, yet are eating them out of house and home. I'm sure they have told your brother to pay his way also, but they aren't on the two of you for real follow through. Don't you think that they would be less inclined to take out loans if they weren't supporting two adult men. Do you think they would drink as much if they weren't supporting two adult men. Just think about the cost of groceries alone for two adult men (an easy $600 a month). Your 22 or 23 years old you can't say "but Jimmy isn't paying rent, so I shouldn't have to". You need to worry about yourself. Of course pray for your family also. You are an adult living in your parents home. You need to be working, going to school, and helping with the household. You can either do that out on your own or in your parents home. Now have your parents said that if you go to school part time and work part to full time that they will accept less rent so you can pay for your books and supplies? Talk to your parents, show them that you will do it, and that will take some of the pressure off of them. Then urge your brother to do the same. The next semester is just around the corner so get out the class schedule and show them what you want to take. Look into trade schools. Look into grants and student loans. Have the info ready to show your serious.

There's no way I will give my kids a free ride at 23 and 24. It's past time to grow up and work toward a future. I'd give you 2 months to get a job and get set up to start school. I would give leeway for a true effort. Because trust me it is much easier to get that education while living at home even if they are charging you rent than being out on your own paying for everything. Trust me you wouldn't be the first person to work full time and go to school part time, it's hard but it's do-able.

And of course pray for your family.

Mr. Xcitement
10-18-2005, 09:43 AM
I'm not going to go to school though, I have no plans to, the only thing I might end up doing is going to get my CDL licence. right now a little of 3/4 of my pay check goes to almost all bills, so I really can't pay rent. Also my parents would probably drink even more if they didn't have us here, because they did it a lot more when we were all kids. Also, I am not eating them out of house and home, I eat 1 bowl of cereal here a day, and usually that's it for the week for me eating their food, basicaly because they don't buy enough for me to eat here. All I do here is sleep, eat that one bowl, and use my computer, other than that almost all my time is spent at my fiancies house with her and my son.

skilletosis
10-18-2005, 11:17 AM
Do you have a bedroom? Do you turn on the light in the bedroom or bathroom? Do you wash laundry? Do you take showers or flush the toilet? Does it take electricity to power the pc? It doesn't matter how many hours are spent at your parents house it is still where you reside. Your stuff still takes up space. If you paid some rent then your parents would be better able to afford to put more food in the pantry. You say you can't afford to pay rent. What entitles you to a free place to live at 22 or 23 years old? You are a man. You made your bills. You made your child. You need to become a man and take care of the responsibilities that you yourself took on. If that means that you have to get a second job then do it. Then start paying some rent and get those bills paid down so you can afford to go to school or pay for your CDL training. Your better off financially doing that while at your parents house. Oh and you should consider taking some business courses for the future should you decide to start your own business. Life only gets more expensive as the years go by and your family grows. You can't just think of what it will take for here and now but also for years in the future.

md4j
10-18-2005, 11:49 AM
Don't you think that they would be less inclined to take out loans if they weren't supporting two adult men. Do you think they would drink as much if they weren't supporting two adult men.I agreed with everything but this. It is absolutely not either of their faults that their parents are gamblers and drinkers. I take serious offense to this. Let's put the blame where it belongs, on the parents, period. It's 100% their fault for drinking and gambling. I do agree with you that he should either pay rent to his parents or move out. Who cares what your brother is doing, you are the Christian. You are supposed to be different. Who cares what your parents do with the money, if you were renting would you know what your landlord did with the money? Probably not and you probably wouldn't care. Give them what is rightfully theirs, even if it's just a little. With parents a little goes a long way. But understand this, it's not your fault for your parents sins, or your brother's either.

md4j
10-18-2005, 11:55 AM
I'm not going to go to school though, I have no plans to, the only thing I might end up doing is going to get my CDL licence. right now a little of 3/4 of my pay check goes to almost all bills, so I really can't pay rent. Also my parents would probably drink even more if they didn't have us here, because they did it a lot more when we were all kids. Also, I am not eating them out of house and home, I eat 1 bowl of cereal here a day, and usually that's it for the week for me eating their food, basicaly because they don't buy enough for me to eat here. All I do here is sleep, eat that one bowl, and use my computer, other than that almost all my time is spent at my fiancies house with her and my son.like Skilletosis said, who care's how often you are there? Let me tell you something about myself. I don't have a college education, I have two care notes, a house note, I am married and my wife and I are both in college full time. I also have 3 jobs to be able to support us. My wife can not work at the moment so I have to be the man that God called me to be, even if it means not getting as much sleep and having to work 3 jobs and still go to college full time. If I can do it then you can. Stop being a cry baby and grow up some bro. Life isn't easy and you've got to take it on full charge. Don't be worried or scared, just get out there and get a second job, get an apartment, get married and get on with life. God will bless you if you do what He wants. God is serious about the man's role in the family, do what it takes, legally, for you and your family to survive.

skilletosis
10-18-2005, 12:29 PM
I agreed with everything but this. It is absolutely not either of their faults that their parents are gamblers and drinkers. I take serious offense to this. Let's put the blame where it belongs, on the parents, period. It's 100% their fault for drinking and gambling.

I don't think we are in disagreement about this. It is absolutely thier fault. But take it from someone who has had issue with drinking. Many (not all) who do drink, drink harder when under stress. My point (maybe I didn't express it the way I meant) is that housing two adult children is a major stress factor.

Mr. Xcitement
10-19-2005, 12:07 AM
First, I take offense to that remark, I am not being a "cry baby", and I don't feel I need to grow up, because of how my parents have lived their lives I have had to grow up too fast and never got to have a child hood. Also, I do know what they will do with the money, I live here, I already see how they waste their money. My fiancie and son lived here for a couple months before they moved back with her parents because we had been buying food for the house and we just couldn't afford it and since her parents offered to help us instead of force us out on the street, we thought that would be a good choice. And since they moved out, my parents have obviosly had more money, and I have seen them wasting even more, going out even more, and since I got my new job that makes so I'm almost never here, they spend even less on food and things they need and again, go out almost every night, and almost never make any meals any more, and I know if I started paying rent it would just further feed this. I cannot get another job right now, where I work, my hours are very long, and it's a very physically demanding job, so much so that sometimes I stubble out of my car when I get home because my knees ache so much. I work close to 12 hourse every night at my job, and with the hours I have left available, I need to be able to sleep, because my job isn't an hourly paid rate, it is set at how much work I do, so if I don't get sleep, then I can't do as much work and thus I can't get as much money. My parents had once said that they would not allow me, my fiancie and child to live out on the street, but more and more, they seem to be pushing us in that direction. I do not have to work 2 jobs to get my CDL licence, because Friday I'm checking in at my work because they offer classes, and I believe they are free to take, but again, would mean more hours. Also, I really don't use that much electricity, and my parents have no real reason to be in such dire need for me to pay rent, but for some reason seem to want me to. My parents have not once tried to help me out in any way, my fiancies parents sit us down every week and we work on a budget. I would say more, but I need to get to work, I have a different set of hours for today.

skynes
10-19-2005, 12:47 AM
Am I the only one in this thread (other than Mr Excitement) that's had to deal with a parent like this? Cause it certainly looks like it. I don't mean to be rude to you Skilletosis or Mdj4, I really don't, but from what you've said you two don't seem to have any idea what you're talking about.

It doesn't matter what Nick does or how much he helps, they will constantly demand more and more. They will change agreements and change arrangements behind his back, and since he lives there, he has no choice but to do it. My dad was exactly the same and my helping in the house did nothing, it didn't matter what I did, it was NEVER enough.

He always demanded more and more off me, he changed every agreement and every arrangement all to suit him and I had no choice but to go along with it.


This has nothing to do with stress or being a crybaby, this is two irresponsible and selfish parents. Nick is NOT to blame for their actions.

weebird20
10-19-2005, 05:15 AM
Guys can i please just remind you all that Nick came here asking for some advice from people that im sure he was expecting would encourage and help him deal with this situation he has found himself in...not judging him or comdeming him...but in brotherly love showing how much they care....so far you have lectured him and told him what you see to be the problems....we are to build each other up...I Thessalonians 5:11, "Therefore comfort one another and edify one another."

Please we are here to help and encourage, by all means let them know what you see to be the problem and give a solution but try to keep positive about these things and offer your prayers.

md4j
10-19-2005, 05:19 AM
I don't think we are in disagreement about this. It is absolutely thier fault. But take it from someone who has had issue with drinking. Many (not all) who do drink, drink harder when under stress. My point (maybe I didn't express it the way I meant) is that housing two adult children is a major stress factor.Yes we do agree, they are aiding in the stress factor.

md4j
10-19-2005, 05:25 AM
Am I the only one in this thread (other than Mr Excitement) that's had to deal with a parent like this? Cause it certainly looks like it. I don't mean to be rude to you Skilletosis or Mdj4, I really don't, but from what you've said you two don't seem to have any idea what you're talking about.

It doesn't matter what Nick does or how much he helps, they will constantly demand more and more. They will change agreements and change arrangements behind his back, and since he lives there, he has no choice but to do it. My dad was exactly the same and my helping in the house did nothing, it didn't matter what I did, it was NEVER enough.

He always demanded more and more off me, he changed every agreement and every arrangement all to suit him and I had no choice but to go along with it.


This has nothing to do with stress or being a crybaby, this is two irresponsible and selfish parents. Nick is NOT to blame for their actions.That is the reason I said to move out. Why do you assume that we haven't had parents who do that? Just because we disagree? I agree that he is not to blame and I said that, period. But he MUST do something. To do nothing is irresponsible and child like. I don't have anything against him, but if he stays at his parents house he should follow the rules, if it's to pay rent then pay rent. It doesn't matter what the parents do with the money, that's not his responsibility. Either pay some rent at your parents house or pay rent at another place. The good thing about moving out is that the new landlord can't change the agreement mid stream. But don't assume that we don't know what we're talking about because we take a hardline stance against NOT PAYING RENT.

md4j
10-19-2005, 05:30 AM
First, I take offense to that remark, I am not being a "cry baby", and I don't feel I need to grow up, because of how my parents have lived their lives I have had to grow up too fast and never got to have a child hood. Also, I do know what they will do with the money, I live here, I already see how they waste their money. My fiancie and son lived here for a couple months before they moved back with her parents because we had been buying food for the house and we just couldn't afford it and since her parents offered to help us instead of force us out on the street, we thought that would be a good choice. And since they moved out, my parents have obviosly had more money, and I have seen them wasting even more, going out even more, and since I got my new job that makes so I'm almost never here, they spend even less on food and things they need and again, go out almost every night, and almost never make any meals any more, and I know if I started paying rent it would just further feed this. I cannot get another job right now, where I work, my hours are very long, and it's a very physically demanding job, so much so that sometimes I stubble out of my car when I get home because my knees ache so much. I work close to 12 hourse every night at my job, and with the hours I have left available, I need to be able to sleep, because my job isn't an hourly paid rate, it is set at how much work I do, so if I don't get sleep, then I can't do as much work and thus I can't get as much money. My parents had once said that they would not allow me, my fiancie and child to live out on the street, but more and more, they seem to be pushing us in that direction. I do not have to work 2 jobs to get my CDL licence, because Friday I'm checking in at my work because they offer classes, and I believe they are free to take, but again, would mean more hours. Also, I really don't use that much electricity, and my parents have no real reason to be in such dire need for me to pay rent, but for some reason seem to want me to. My parents have not once tried to help me out in any way, my fiancies parents sit us down every week and we work on a budget. I would say more, but I need to get to work, I have a different set of hours for today.Understand this, I respect you trying. At least your not doing what many people do, and that is give up. Don't give up, pray about it. But I stand behind the idea of paying rent to your parents no matter what they do with the money. They have a right to demand that from an adult that is living with them, whether it's you or a stranger. Your parents obligation to house and feed you stopped when you turned 18. Give them something until you can move out, then do just that MOVE OUT.
Oh and I apologize for calling you a cry baby, I said it to get your attention.

drumchick101
10-19-2005, 12:10 PM
man, reading this is making me thing so much. im not taking sides here but i just think...im 17, next yr i become an adult & have to grow up & be mature (well..@ least when it comes to being resposible, i think it's completly essential to have as much fun as you can forever)...but it just doesn't compute. it makes sense when i say "when im 18, im an adult" but not when it think "next yr im going to be an adult." i feel that going into the world it would eat me alive, ive matured so much over the past years (according to other people at least) but i dont think i can ever think of myself as an adult. but then again, i will be most likly apying myself through college after high school becasue no 1 has money to pay for that so i suppose that will help kick me in the butt, but its jsut weird to think about & when i do, i dont really want to grow up. i want to be responsible & pay my way, but i def dont want to grow up.

><sarah><