Zero_Punk900
06-08-2006, 09:34 PM
Hey Guys,
Long time since I last posted on here. This is sorta a desperate situation, but I'm not going to give the full details of it for privacy and confidentiality reasons. Anyways I've been having some problems with some dreams. They've involved people I know and care about being hurt by me(in the dreams). Only problem is that since I've been letting things go for the past few weeks and not talking about it, these are no longer just dreams when I'm sleeping.

Anyways, I did try to talk to a youth leader about it, but everytime I tried, I would end up getting freaked that this person would be scared about the fact that I've been having these dreams and would end up making up some story. I'd be hiding the real stuff because I was afraid. I'd lie to him like crazy to hide what was really going on because it involves him. Well I think I've totally messed things up when it comes to him trusting me to tell him the truth about what's going on because of this, but I know now that I REALLY need to talk to someone and this is the person I trust most to help (except a psychologist which I won't see for three weeks still because I'll be leaving town in 2days). Anyways I'm worried that I messed all this up and this person has finally given up on me after all the times I've messed up in the past year. This person has witnessed me screw up day after day and has yet to give up on me, but this time I feel I may have screwed up too much for him to forgive me.

Do I try and talk to this person in the last day and like 9hrs I'm in town and get this sorted out finally or what? I really need prayer for this.

-ZP

weebird20
06-09-2006, 03:04 AM
its a good idea to get things sorted before you go or you will be thinking about it the whole time you are away and may cause yourself alot of unnecessary stress...maybe a good idea would be to put it into a letter...that way you can write down exaclty what you want to say...explaining everything...and asking that when you return you would very much like to meet up in person and talk about it more...


Anyways I'm worried that I messed all this up and this person has finally given up on me after all the times I've messed up in the past year. This person has witnessed me screw up day after day and has yet to give up on me, but this time I feel I may have screwed up too much for him to forgive me.


if this person has like you said really been there for you, even though you feel like you have screwed up in the past...they must certainly want to help you anyway they can...don't think that they will give up on you so easily...


Thank them for all that they have done for you and tell them you appreciate their help...don't let your worries carry you away beyond right now...you can't be sure that you have messed up so badly that they won't continue to want to be there for you...so don't worry about it until it happens...which im sure it won't :)

Matthew 6:34
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Zero_Punk900
06-09-2006, 03:43 PM
well i seriously tried to get ahold of this person, but it didn't happen. I leave tomorrow afternoon, and this person is currently driving to Arkansas. Once again a failure to say what needed to be said. I just really wish it coulda happened differently. This really stinks. I won't even see this person for at least 2 weeks and then I only have 1 day here before leaving for another week. So really it's hopeless that we'll be able to talk in person for at least 3 weeks. The only way any of this will get sorted out is through email or myspace or text messaging or phone calls. I'll be able to check email and stuff during the first two weeks I'm gone, but the third week is Camp so I won't have access to anything. Although I am going to try to smuggle my phone to camp.

So if anyone has any advice on how this stuff can get sorted out and both of us can finally get some real peace let me know.

-ZP

drumchick101
06-11-2006, 04:56 PM
I agree with Laura, If they care they will forgive as well. You don't have to be afraid that people will leave you when you mess up...that's not freindship and that's not love.

Take this to the cross as well. Take it to the man who promised He would never leave you, and He hasn't.

Try not to concentrate on how much you messed up, that's not what's important. You'r here right now, and you're in the situation you are and you can't change that. However, you can change what you do with the situation. That important things is not that you fell, it's what you do now that you have. I'm not sure if this is scripture of not, but my pastor threw it into his message today about changing the world around you: "A righteous man falls seven times and gets back up again." I like that because it's true.

><sarah><

Unregistered
06-14-2006, 11:55 PM
Well there are some more issues going on with this person that have made the situation worse. I haven't mentioned them before, and don't really want to explain, but to say the least I feel like he's forgotten I exist.

I did explain the situation with all these nightmares I've been having which have involved this person being killed by me. Well anyways, I got a text message back on Sunday from him. He asked if he was the one I dreamed of killing, so I replied saying yes, but along with everyone else who I care about and who I'd be so lost without them ever having entered my life. I haven't heard from him since.

I'm trying not to send any messages whatsoever right now because I have a tendency to stress/obsess about this kind of situation and annoy the person that's involved until we don't talk ever again.

Well I really want to send one last message to this person concerning the dream I had last night. I was going into this person's house, about to kill him like in the others, but in this case I couldn't do it. I ended up turning in on myself and killing myself to stop myself from doing it. I know this is weird stuff, but these dreams are so vivid and so real I can barely tell the difference between dream and reality(except of course when I died in the dream and woke up). I think I'm gonna wait for July to bring this up.

Also we were working on planning a party for this person for all the things he does for other people. I've been working on a video and really just setting everything up. Well in the end I'm now planning to finish setting it up, get it all done and ready there that night(it's a surprise) and then right before he gets back with the person who's supposed to get him out, leave. I'll leave everyone else there and try and make it so it looks like the other youth that this person has done so much for set it all up. Besides this youth leader seems to like the other youth person better, so why shouldn't I make him happy by making it look like the other youth did it and not even be there? It feels like I've lost my mentor. I've lost another role-model. This is why I don't trust people, it's because of these things I'm so paranoid about people's hidden motives. Well that's what's going on right now.

Any advice?

-ZP

theelectric3
06-15-2006, 02:30 PM
Also we were working on planning a party for this person for all the things he does for other people. I've been working on a video and really just setting everything up. Well in the end I'm now planning to finish setting it up, get it all done and ready there that night(it's a surprise) and then right before he gets back with the person who's supposed to get him out, leave. I'll leave everyone else there and try and make it so it looks like the other youth that this person has done so much for set it all up. Besides this youth leader seems to like the other youth person better, so why shouldn't I make him happy by making it look like the other youth did it and not even be there? It feels like I've lost my mentor. I've lost another role-model. This is why I don't trust people, it's because of these things I'm so paranoid about people's hidden motives. Well that's what's going on right now.

Any advice?

-ZP

you did all the hard work, you deserve the credit. it'll bless your mentor to know that you wanted to make his party special and as a way to thank him for everything, you helped out with the video.

do not live in the shadows of other people. you are beautiful, awesome, talented, unique and valuable - because God made you just the way you are.

you said you don't trust people because you fear they have hidden motives. first off, it's good to remember that no one, except our Father (God), is perfect. we all have imperfections and we all (whether we realize it or not) let one another down.

does this mean we live in isolation? no. God tells us in His word not to isolate ourselves from fellow believers.

trust is a two way street. honesty and transparency are the foundations for a healthy mentor-relationship.

it is hard for a mentor to help someone when they are being lied to. (if you cannot open up and be honest with them, why ask them to be your mentor and accountability partner? it has to be someone you are willing to be transparent with... even when it is ugly and it hurts. but you are willing to do it because you trust them to listen, pray, and you trust the wisdom that God gives them.)

and it's hard for them pray for specific needs if they do not know them.

how do you build this? one step at a time. it takes time and isn't something that can be rushed. has this person that you call your mentor done something to cause you to no longer trust him?

which reminds me, it is always, always, better (i strongly believe) to have a mentor who is the same gender as you. since you are a girl, is there a woman you can confide in? men and women communicate differently and what you may think thay what he is doing, or saying, is rejecting you may not be the case at all.

i find it a lot easier to be open to the same gender than the opposite (when it comes to an accountability partner/mentor). especially someone who is older than you (spiritually and physically) because they have wisdom (practical and spiritual) that they can share with you.

Zero_Punk900
06-15-2006, 08:15 PM
i've been saying that this person is a guy for reasons that i just didn't want to say whether the person was a girl or guy. well it is a girl so i guess from here on out i'll be referring to her as actually her rather than trying to be as gender nuetral as possible.

Anyways the things I kept from her were to protect her. I know that's gotta sound crazy but that's the case. Those dreams to me seemed as if telling her would hurt her.

So what I'm planning on doing right now since things are messed up is just lay back and wait things out. i'm hoping that sooner or later things will cool down. if not then so be it. so whatever. we'll see. i probably won't see her except for one day(which we won't talk that day since it'll be the Baptism at church and all that and i wanna be w/ one of my friends that is gonna be baptized) before i leave again. i'm actually out of town right now so i could only talk to her through email and text messages. She was out of town the week before i left, came home and left for Arkansas the day before i left, i'm gone for another 8days(making a total of 13days) home for two days from when i get back(only one of which will i even be coherrent), and leave again for another week. I haven't seen this person since i guess May 28th and haven't talked to her in person since May 22. I pretty much was off doing other stuff on the 28th while at youth group. So there's the situation right now. it's crazy and there's a lot of stupid drama going on.

One friend said that I should try and get ahold of her one more time, if that doesn't work go through her best friend(who's also been of great help for me in the past year or so) and if that doesn't work then try and get my youth pastors' help. Either one of 'em. I wouldn't have to explain in great detail, but they could help. although i really don't like getting them involved in stuff. one of 'em i hate talking to anymore. just what a friend said.

-ZP

theelectric3
06-15-2006, 09:48 PM
i've been saying that this person is a guy for reasons that i just didn't want to say whether the person was a girl or guy. well it is a girl so i guess from here on out i'll be referring to her as actually her rather than trying to be as gender nuetral as possible.

i apologize. i just wanted to make sure that wasn't part of the "drama" and all. i'm glad to know it's a girl (and no worries, i won't pry out any personal stuff..) i just felt that was important to clarify that... which is why i said what i did. i'm sorry if it made you uncomfortable.


i'm sorry about all the drama stuff going on. :-\ is there someone you could confide in that would be "in the drama" to where you could share open without feeling the need to protect them from being hurt? (i am in no way attacking nor insulting you for what you did... i respect you for sticking with your convictions.) granted i don't know everything involved... your friend's advice might not be so bad...

Zero_Punk900
06-15-2006, 10:37 PM
it is hard for a mentor to help someone when they are being lied to. (if you cannot open up and be honest with them, why ask them to be your mentor and accountability partner? it has to be someone you are willing to be transparent with... even when it is ugly and it hurts. but you are willing to do it because you trust them to listen, pray, and you trust the wisdom that God gives them.)

and it's hard for them pray for specific needs if they do not know them.

We've constantly had problems. Things go up and down w/ this person. I used to just go ahead and tell her the problems when she asked about them. Now I know her better than before and now want to protect her from things I know she CAN handle but still believe that she can't handle them. That's how I am with any person that I come to trust. I trust them but I also want to protect them. It's hard. People I don't trust, I won't even say these things to or even in front of.

I would trust this youth leader with my life. This youth leader has saved my life before. I'll tell her almost anything. I'll call her when I'm struggling, whether she answers or not. When I'm struggling with old addictions she'll get ahold of me as soon as she gets the message, but when I'm not going and doing those old addictions, she doesn't reply. It's annoying for that, but I end up not going back to the addictions for my own sake not hers.

Here's an example of how much I trust this leader. All of my blades because I'm still tempted w/ self-injury, I ended up giving to her. I have never trusted anyone enough to do that. I gave them to her trusting that she would be able to read when I was stable enough to give them all back. When I asked for them early on, she told me how close or far I am from being stable enough. She still has all of my blades. I'm just waiting to get them back.

-ZP

Zero_Punk900
06-22-2006, 03:30 PM
So due to the circumstances involving my youth leader having to go home for a funeral, I've decided to hold off on talking about the situation. I want her to get past all of this before throwing anything in her path again. I'll talk to her about it maybe after I get back from church camp(she's not going for various reasons). So I think what I'm doing is the best thing. I've talked to her a little more recently(another leader let me know while on vacation about the death), but only about things like our favorite baseball team(GO CARDS) and that sort of stuff. Real superficial things.

-ZP

Zero_Punk900
07-02-2006, 08:38 PM
Well I am talking to my youth leader again, but I'm not so sure about bringing up the things I know we need to talk about. I still think she just needs to take care of herself. I know that the more I hold back the more our relationship goes downhill, but I'm kind of willing to sacrifice never talking to her again as long as I know she's taking care of herself. We've only been talking about superficial things anymore, and I feel more unimportant than ever, but I don't want to bring that up because
A) I don't want to sound whiny
B) I don't want to sound like I'm jealous(even though I kind of am jealous of this other student)
C) I want her to continue taking care of herself instead of always giving of herself to help others
D) I just don't want to be in the way of anyone's happiness and I feel like I am
E) I think that if I'm just a nuisance to her, and I don't wanna be
F) I'm just insecure about it

Also I wish I could call this youth leader a friend, but I always have something holding me back. I think she's too old to be a friend(about 9yrs) and she's a youth LEADER and I'm a youth. I have the same problem w/ another leader where I wish I could call her a friend and my two youth pastors and there's little age difference(about 4yrs which is the difference between my sister and I) but it's still youth and youth leader problem. I've always wondered if you can call a youth leader a friend or if your relationship always will just be a youth/leader relationship no matter what(like after leaving the youth group after graduating). Anyone know how that works?

-ZP

disciple
07-02-2006, 08:41 PM
I know how you feel, and if I can, I'll give you some advice when I'm not thrashed from a long, sleepy day.

But yeah, you can call her a friend. I have friends who are in their 30s, and I considered my last Youth Pastor a friend, indeed.

dawn of light
07-04-2006, 08:15 AM
I think you can call her a friend.

Also keep in mind that there are different types of friends. It's healthy to have friends that you can look up to, get advice from, and learn from, friends on your level, and friends that you give advice to and they look up to you. You can also learn from and give advice to friends on your level. Now, you said she is 9 years older than you and it sounds like she is the type that you'd ask advice from. So from what I know I think that you could call her a friend but it doesn't necessarily mean that she'll pour her heart out to you either.

I used to be a youth leader at my church but have been involved in other things at church for the past few years. I met a girl there and we became friends. Even though I haven't been to youth group in a few years with her, we still keep in touch. She is also only 4 years younger than me. I consider her my friend, she is fun to talk to and spend time with. Occasionally she will still come to me for advice as well. But if I'm dealing with something, I won't go to her for advice. I'd go to someone with more years on me and more learned in the Word than me.

Zero_Punk900
07-08-2006, 04:06 PM
here's quite possibly the last update I'm gonna put on this.

well to say the least I gave up on anything good coming out of this situation. I also gave up on the relationship as a whole.

I'm done trying to fix something that can't be fixed.

theelectric3
07-10-2006, 09:42 PM
:( i am sorry it ended up this way for you.

do you have someone to go to?

of course you do. His name is Jesus. and He will never let you down, fail you, betray you or deceive you.


as you draw closer to Him, my request of the Father is for Him to bring godly women (and men) into your life. not so they can become your Savior, but so they can encourage you in your relationship with our Savior and Lord.