06-13-2006, 09:57 AM
when i opened up my eyes
to see what i could see
this misery that is happening
is all because of me

I list through all the troubles
see all the pain that's there
the weight upon my shoulders
is more than I can bear

I was blessed by the Almighty
with treasures beyond worth
and every single one
I have dashed upon the earth

a love so gentle and caring
a heart just seeking love
a life I was entrusted
by the creator from above

a heart that I have ruined
filled with pain and strife
one so kind and giving
who no longer is my wife

she sought strength and safety
on whom she could depend
but destroyed her heart and spirit
was the final end

blessed with lives to shepherd
with children i should teach
just follow His example
a goal so easy to reach

instead of a family blessed
sharing joy and life
showing self centeredness and greed
showing them daily strife

other hearts who trusted
opening up to me
cold and filled with sorrow
my gift to them will be

this pain upon my heart
this emptiness in my soul
makes me see a future
as dark and black as coal

i seek to shed this load
crushing all lives around
seek to end the pain
that beats others to the ground

no others really know
how oft throughout the years
the eyes of those who loved me
were overflowing tears

this hurt that fills my heart
the loss of what should be
this suffocating burden
borne rightfully by me

i have no will to fight
can no longer bear the pain
no one left to hold me
nothing left to gain

the choice i seek to make
to cause momentary pain
in the end a brighter future
will my family gain

to journey down the tunnel
to step into the light
the courage i have no longer
to continue the good fight

often told by others
my life it does have worth
the pain is now too much
to carry on this earth

oft to Him i cried
begging to know why
He put me on this Earth
a screwup such as I

now my prayer is simple
i no more wish to roam
fill me with the strength
to speed my journey home.

dawn of light
06-13-2006, 11:51 AM
I don't really know what to say...

06-13-2006, 12:19 PM
even when circumstances crash around us... Christ will hold us below the current that will kill us. and eventually, the waves will pass and we will surface.

what am i really saying?

there is hope in the forgiving arms of Jesus. when all are faithless, He is still faithful.

06-14-2006, 05:24 AM
i have no problem with what i have coming to me. what is pushing me over the edge is what this is going to do to my kids. they always have to pay for my screw ups, for my failures.

Monday was the closest i've ever come to slamming my truck into a bridge piling. my logic was that way it was an accident and my insurance doubled so they'd be taken care of. Then i thought about the pain, about the people I'd promised that I'd be there for them. People who had dealt with too much loss already. That doing that was ducking my responsibility, ducking the pain and punishment i righly deserve. i need to suffer every second of the anguish, the hurt, the anger my kids will have for me. it is something i have to bear alone, i have no friends here in town to talk to.

dawn of light
06-14-2006, 05:43 AM
....ducking the pain and punishment i righly deserve. i need to suffer every second of the anguish, the hurt, the anger my kids will have for me. it is something i have to bear alone, i have no friends here in town to talk to.

To be truthful, we all deserve that. We don't deserve God's love and His offer of forgiveness. We've rejected it so many times, we DESERVE hell. But that's what makes God so amazing. He wants to forgive us and heal us.

I don't know what you're going through to want to do that to yourself, but for what it's worth I'm glad you didn't. God wants to help you turn this around, He wants to help you change this.

I'm not really sure what I can say that will help, only that it CAN get better. I believe that our life is a product of our choices, our circumstances, and other people's choices. The one thing that you have the power to change is our choices...I don't really know where I'm going with this...but I hope it helps.

There are many people on this forum who, I'm sure, would love to chat with you and give you advice and encouragement on this. If that's what you need, maybe you should PM someone (myself if you want) or anyone else that would love to give you Godly advice. Maybe going to a counsellor would help, I don't know. But for the sake of your family and yourself, I want to encourage you to do something to change your life.

06-14-2006, 09:04 AM
i have no problem with what i have coming to me. what is pushing me over the edge is what this is going to do to my kids. they always have to pay for my screw ups, for my failures.

Coming from a child whos parent have both screwed up and it screwed me up. I am not bitter at them or hate them. I love my father, even though he didn't do that great of a job. Not saying that this is your case, but it is an example of the fact the God does used all things for the good of those who love them...aka you and your kids.

I don't hate my parents for getting divorced, that too has has made me stronger and helped me to have a greater interest in making my own marriage count. It has given me an even greater purpose to save myself as much as possible because I know I will only be able to give even the smallest things away once for the first time.

Sometimes it's hard for me not to thank my parents for messing up because God has turned it around into an invaluable part of me.

His grace is sufficient for you--even you, so small in your own eyes--all you have to do is recieve it. You are not so small in His.


06-14-2006, 11:46 AM
thanks sarah. i pray He does something incredible in this case.

06-15-2006, 05:18 AM
hey there scott things will get better ill be praying for you and remember anytime you need to talk just email me at work

06-15-2006, 07:20 PM
I asked her if there was anything I could do, if she wanted to try to work it out, and she said she was through trying, that she had found someone else. I told her, as suggested, that I would fight it tooth and nail, that I wasn't going to give in.

She told me she had already filed. That she was through.

She said that if i fought it, her parents said they'd pay for whatever it took, that she'd leave me with barely enough for me to live on, that I'd be barely able to afford a studio appartment in the worst part of the city, let alone a place big enough that the kids could come over. She'd see to it that she got full custody since I had no place where they could stay that I'd be lucky to see them once a month.

It took better than an hour to reassure her that since I'd made her life such a living hell, that i'd cooperate, that I'd try to make this the least painful for everyone.

Enough fighting. Now, i'm looking out for my kids, to be sure I see them as much as possible, to be totally involved in their lives. God willing, my oldest will come live with me.

You all can jump all over me if you want, frankly right now i just don't care. Maybe this is not doing what God wants me to, maybe it is. Maybe it's important that I be around enough to show my kids who to fall back on when things get really really tough. Maybe its important that I be a Godly influence in their lives. Because without me, they won't have one.

06-15-2006, 09:53 PM
i am sorry that you are in the situation that you are in. if there is no foundation to repair the relationship and rebuild trust.. then i believe you're right in that it's best to look out for the interest of the kids.

inspite of all that goes on, you can still be a godly influence to your kids. in the way you control yourself, your conduct/character/integrity in this entire matter... not talking bad about their mom, etc. those sort of things will speak to the kids.

like the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. life won't always be easy, but God is faithful. here is an opportunity to live that out for your kids.

06-16-2006, 04:45 AM
Thanks Tracy, funny, honestly those almost exact same words went through my mind early this morning. I left her a note in her car that told her I wanted to work with her, to get as much settled between the 2 of us outside of court as possible. That I wanted to remain friendly (not necessarily friends) for the kids' sake. And that when we told them, I'd explain that a big chunk was my fault (not all...but more than half), and that we'd grown into separate people and that I understand why she's doing what she is. I also want to make very clear to them that this has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with them. That they still have both a mother and a father.

thanks again.

dawn of light
06-16-2006, 05:37 AM
I'm so sorry to hear that. I will pray for you and you kids.

06-16-2006, 06:14 AM
Thanks, I know it's working. I could easily be out of my mind right now, but I'm just filled with this peace, the drive to be friendly, honest, upright. To be the man I should have been all along, at the end. Right now, i also need prayer that at least my oldest son will be living with me.

thanks Rachel, i truly do appreciate it.

06-16-2006, 10:47 AM
Thanks Tracy, funny, honestly those almost exact same words went through my mind early this morning. I left her a note in her car that told her I wanted to work with her, to get as much settled between the 2 of us outside of court as possible. That I wanted to remain friendly (not necessarily friends) for the kids' sake. And that when we told them, I'd explain that a big chunk was my fault (not all...but more than half), and that we'd grown into separate people and that I understand why she's doing what she is. I also want to make very clear to them that this has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with them. That they still have both a mother and a father.

thanks again.

i respect you and the way you are handling all this... in this tough situation.

06-22-2006, 06:00 PM
Well, the papers came today.
I'm not going to roll over and die, i'm not giving up. I told her that. it's the general, i want temporary custody of all kids, the house and temporary support (which would leave me with nothing left over to live on). Then she wants permanent custody, child support and permanent alimony (which also won't happen. I don't intend to pay for longer than the duration of the marriage, or until she gets remarried or lives with someone). AND she wants me to pay her attorney fees.
I have 10 days to respond, and my response is I'm not going to leave, there is no need. I should stay until the house is sold to help get it ready and to be here for my kids. Just because I'm not a woman, doesn't mean that I should'nt get custody. I don't want this, she does. If she wants to leave, she can, but i think the kids should stay with me, so that's what i'm going to have my attorney respond with. Then we'll start from there. Regardless, I AM going to be a godly Father, a Godly husband and a Godly man. I pray for the peace that passes understanding, calm, grace. For the Spirit to move through the court system in my favor that I can care for my kids, give them a Godly safe, stable home. For strenght and courage. I made mistakes that i am already working to correct. If not for her, then for the God loving woman that God has out there for me. I will survive. With you all on my side, backed by our incredible powerful loving God, I can't help but come out stronger and better. If God sees fit NOT to have at least 1 of my kids live with me, I will STILL be a great and Godly father to them. As teenagers, they have a big say in where they live. I just trust that whatever happens, it is HIS will and will work out for the best. I've got some really tough times coming. I will stand as strong as I can, but need all the help, support and prayer you can give.

thank you all, you really don't know the impact you have already made in my life through prayer.
God be with each and every one of you.

06-22-2006, 06:00 PM
silly puter...double posts.

dawn of light
06-23-2006, 06:00 AM
I will continue to pray for you. I'm impressed by your strength and the way you're handling this. God is always with you.

06-23-2006, 03:01 PM
Thanks Dawn, prayer is very much appreciated. Trust me, it's not my strength, but God's. Without all the prayer and His overwhelming response, who knows where i'd be...if i'd be.

06-26-2006, 08:26 AM
i just got back from the attorney's. It seems her parents have got her the meanest, nasties, most expensive attorney in town. To even respresent me, the one I talked to wanted $3500 retainer. I don't have $35 let alone $3500. I stand to lose everything. so much child support and alimony that I couldn't even afford a place where my kids could come visit. I have no credit, my dad has remarried and moved away, my brother and sister are barely making ends meet. Right now, my head is in the noose and the lever is moving. i knew i was in trouble, but i never imagined it was so bad.

06-26-2006, 03:55 PM
Scott, I wish I could tell you all of the horrible, impossible circumstances my marriage was in, but God wouldn't let go. If I could share what God has done in my marriage, what He has brought us through, everyone would know that any marriage can make it.

I am not trying to imply you have given up, I know you haven't. I just want to encourage you, brother.

Go after God with all you have. Lay it all at His feet. Heart and Soul.

I am going to be praying for your wife. I pray the Holy Spirit would begin to move over her heart. I pray He will soften her and draw her to His will.

Whatever mistakes/problems you have made/have, I pray God would begin to do an even deeper work with these than what He has already begun.

06-27-2006, 05:27 AM
Thank you Lisa. I know He's already working. The things I know I did...ways I was acting, have totally changed. Regardless if she changes course, I WILL show her the Godly man I should have been all along, the man she'll be dealing with from now on. I just have this feeling that God is training me for someone very very special. That there is a Godly woman out there, who will need everything I'm being taught. I know He has a plan and it will work out for the best. For my kids, for me, for her.

06-27-2006, 03:18 PM
I will continue to pray for the situation, for God's will and light.


06-27-2006, 07:09 PM
thanks....i really is's just amazing...but it should just

06-29-2006, 08:28 AM
glad to hear that things are starting to look up for ya :)

07-27-2006, 12:01 PM
it appears that everything was settled this afternoon in a matter of about 4 hours..she took a little less for alimony than i expected, and i get $12500 out of the house.
..i can not say how much God has really blessed me out of's totally amazing...
.i mean...from 1st call to last was about 4 hours...and I got an apartment rented today...brand new....1200 sq foot 2 bedroom 2 bath....for $750.. it's pretty much all over but the paper signing....i'm supposed to get my money by Aug 1...i move on the 29/30th...and i get to go buy all new furniture...gonna be a busy week.

I'm starting to think she is seriously jerking me around. She had planned on giving me my equity in the house from her half of my 401k. I was supposed to have that money by Aug 1, so I rented an apartment, put in change of address notices everywhere, got utilities scheduled to change over 1 Aug, etc etc. I just found out from my benefits department who talked to her attorney, that they can't submit the proper paperwork until AFTER our first hearing, which at the soonest can't take place till AFTER 18 august. I know her attorney had to have this info when she was trying to get me out by Aug 1, along with how she was trying to get the money. I am desparately trying to maintain the high road, but i am so tired of getting jerked around by her and her parents. i don't know if she's not telling stuff to her attorney or they're just doing it to see what happens. I ain't moving till i get my money, and now I have to unpack all the clothes i've been packing for the last 3 days. Right now, i'm shaking i'm so frustrated.

my attorney is in court for the next 2 days. She knows, her attorney knows..the world knows i can't afford to run 2 households. I'm going to talk to her in just a little bit to find out if she's going to have the money from some othe source by Monday, or what the deal is. I can't move until around August 7th now because the apartment won't be ready completely till then. If she's still counting on the 401k money, then i'm pushing my move out to at least 26 August..or somewhere during that last week. I just want to know what's going on, as do the kids..especially my oldest. I've got a place to live, i'm not a threat so I can't get kicked out. So...i plan on moving...and if it not...i just have to unpack some real worries....just confusion.

07-27-2006, 12:07 PM
will keep you in prayer Scott...

Philippians 4:6-7, "Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything; tell God your needs, and don't forget to thank Him for His answers. If you do this you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus."

07-31-2006, 08:30 AM
well....according to my attorney, they're going to come up with about half my equity, and I move out starting August 11th...being out by midnight on the 13th. 2 more weeks, i start a new chapter in my life, a life that will be totally and completely scripted God's way.

08-01-2006, 08:14 AM
i will continue to pray for ya scott

08-02-2006, 03:42 AM
she basically booted me out of the house Monday night. her blood sucker told her to tell me I had to have half the mortage($750) plus half month utilities in advance (300) in order to stay. I was able to stay with my bro Monday night, and I can stay in the house my dads trying to sell until the 11th, so God was really REALLY watching out over me. Now, i just have to wait till my "attorney" calls and says he has my money.

08-10-2006, 06:26 AM
found out i have to cough up $1500, which was my furniture money. I gotta call my dad to see if it's cool if we stay till the 25th now. i put downpayments on furniture and mattresses last night, but it's imperative she come up with the rest of my equity money ASAP. If i can wait till the 25th, i should be able to at least get my living room chairs and bed stuff. no tables, not kitchen stuff, no dressers or anything like that till she comes through. Problem is now she has me over a barrel and she's going to jerk me around as long as God lets her. i don't really know how much more humility training i can stand. i just want this mess over so i can start my life.

dawn of light
08-10-2006, 06:35 AM
Will pray for are your kids handling this situation? Are you going to get custody of your oldest like you had hoped?

08-10-2006, 10:49 AM
Although I don't know much, I do know this: The more we are shattered, the smaller the peices become; thus, the more God has to work with when He is done. You probobly hate this right now, but not later. Keep on keeping on.


08-10-2006, 11:34 AM
my oldest is going to stay with me. He went with me looking at furniture last night. I hope she stays home with the kids on the weekends she has them. Right now Thursday, Friday and Saturday, she's gone till at least midnight. If she does that when all the kids are there, things will change rapidly.

I honestly think my daughter is starting to question her decision a little. her mom:
a) thinks she's a constant liar
b) won't let her go anywhere
c) blames more or less everything on her.

she's under stress, but so am i. that kind of stuff just can't be taken out on the kids. Her mom is riding her constantly, saying some pretty mean spirited stuff about her, but she's supposed to be the adult.

i pray for my kids all the time.

dawn of light
08-10-2006, 11:41 AM
I will pray for your kids also, I'm sure this is just as hard for them too.

08-22-2006, 06:55 AM
Thanks Rachel. i've been totally stressing because she's been dragging her feet responding to the changes i wanted in the divorce decree. That holds back the rest of my equity money, which is preventing me from getting the furniture and bedding i have on hold at the furniture store. She knows, and i think thoroughly enjoys doing that stuff to me. What she doesn't realize is that all the kids can see what she's doing. As for myself, i was talking to a guy yesterday who brought up an interesting point. Now, since she's got me out of the house, her attorney is advising her to just sit on the decree. Not doing anything doesn't cost anyone money. I'll do what i have to in order for my oldest to play hockey this year, even if i have to take a 2nd job to get him the new equipment he needs. We've been blessed to find really nice used furniture at the local Goodwill stores for dirt cheap. So, she's not really hurting anyone now, except to bring more pressure on herself. She had to borrow money from her folks to pay me half my equity to get me out, so i know perfectly well they're harping on her for her money, so she can't sit on this indefinitely, that and I'm going after the mortgage interest deduction for the house since my name is still on the loans and title to the house. God took an enormous burden off my shoulders yesterday with the knowledge He gave me. I'm looking at things through a totally different perspective. I may get nailed next year on taxes, but i'll try to prepare and then deal with that when it comes. Right now, I am alive, no where near as stressed, and in an odd sense, happy.

thank you all for your prayers and help. It's been a very rough emotional rollercoaster, but through it all, thanks you you all, i've stayed the high road. Thanks be to an incredible wonderful God.

p.s.....what happened to PinkGoo...Liz?

dawn of light
08-22-2006, 07:14 AM
*more prayers*

p.s.....what happened to PinkGoo...Liz?

I'm not sure what happened to her, I think I missed something...I don't know why she left.

08-22-2006, 07:48 AM
okieday....i was just trying to find her email...she messaged my AIM yesterday while i was working from home, and i missed it. Just trying to find her email addy.

08-22-2006, 11:10 AM
It's wonderful to hear that you are doing better.


08-28-2006, 09:55 AM
Incredible night at Sr High ministry last night. I've had 2 really life changing incidents in my life, both have occurred at that ministry. 2nd one was last night. Pastor Jeff was talking about 3 different types of people....those who are totally devoted, those who waffle, and those who don't know/choose not to believe.

I thought i was type 1. After listening to him, i realized, or more aptly, the Holy Spirit convicted me of being person 2. During a worship song, Pastor Jeff invited anyone who was number 2 or number 3, who wanted to be a type 1 person, to come down front, touch the chair, and ask God to guide you, move you, to type 1, for you to commit to being a type 1. In front of every high schooler there, I walked down front, got down on my knees, and poured out my heart, and my tears to God. No more waffling, no more living in two worlds. I begged Him to guide my life, to run my life, I committed to being that totally devoted follower of Christ for the rest of my days. By the time the song was done, there were about 15 - 20 other people there with me. I can't even begin to say how different i feel today. Free, light, clean, happy.