soleil
10-06-2006, 07:58 PM
Without a lot of backstory, I dated a girl 2 years ago. we broke up when she left for bible college, and now she's home.

Anywho, she's the dream girl for me, but we both know we'll never make it long term. So we've became friends with benefits.

I don't know what I should realistically be thinking, because I know we're just casually making out, but there's no real "attachment" to it. Should I be changing my thought patterns?

Scripture and personal advice would be appreciated.

Paulishdog
10-06-2006, 11:25 PM
There are three parts to marriage. The first is the friendship. That is the easiest part to understand, and I believe it is the only part that should exist before marriage. The second is the physical aspect of it. I'd say that how far the physical aspect goes before marriage is up to the people in the relationship, but I'd personally draw the line at the most basic things, like hugging and holding hands. The third is the spiritual aspect, which I don't know much about.

But you aren't even in a "serious relationship" as some would call it. So your focus is off on two counts.

The first place you need to refocus is on your relationship with her. Since you aren't even moving towards marriage, should you really be sharing in the physical aspect of the relationship at all? The focus of a pre marriage relationship should always be on the friendship you have, and all the aspects concerned. The focus should never be on the physical aspect.

The second area you struggle with focus is your direction with her, and yourself. You are not heading towards marriage, so where are you headed? Will there be another girl in your life? How would it make her feel NOW that your making out with someone that you don't intend to stay with? You are causing trust problems now that will have to be dealt with later.

I wish I could give you some scripture to back this all up... but this is all stuff God has shown me through hard personal experience. Bottom line: friends with benefits is not a good place to be.

planet_kosmos
10-07-2006, 12:26 AM
Could someone please tell me what friends with benefits is or are? Thanks

terrasin
10-07-2006, 12:29 AM
Basically two people, not in a relationship other than friends who either casually have sex or get intimate with no strings attatched.

CJ

planet_kosmos
10-07-2006, 12:53 AM
Thanks CJ.

somasoul
10-07-2006, 06:47 AM
The Bible says if you have have sex with a woman before you are married you either have to marry her or pay the bride price.

So now you either have to marry this chick or pay her parents for her use. In the old testament a flock of goats would be a typical price to pay. I suggest sending her parents no less than two dozen goats, three barrels of wine, two tons of foreign fruit and a chariot. Then continue your make-out sessions in peace.

dawn of light
10-07-2006, 09:41 AM
Sol, I would be really careful with what you're doing here. The more you see her, spend time with her, talk to her and make out with her, the more attached to her you're going to get. You say right now that you know you'll never make it long term but yet you're giving your heart away to each other. You're just causing more heartache for when you actually have to part for good.

Proverbs 4:23 (NKJV)
Keep your heart with all diligence,
For out of it spring the issues of life.

What you're doing is not just going to affect you and her. In the long run it'll also affect your future wife and her future husband. Trust me, it's not worth it.

Another thing that could happen, which would be even worse, is that you get so attached to each other that you've decieved yourself into thinking you could make it work with her. What if you convince yourselves that you want to get married? There's no going back then. I don't what it is that makes you know you shouldn't be with her but it's probably something that's not going to go away any time soon.

Paul was right when he said that you should be focused on the friendship rather than the physical even if you were to start actually dating. To put it bluntly, if you REALLY value her as a person and as a woman you wouldn't do that to her. You're using each other and I think that's wrong.

I understand that it's such a hard decision to make because obviously you care about each other and don't want to let go. But trust God and He'll take you through. He won't leave you hurting and alone.

soleil
10-07-2006, 10:58 AM
I totally get what you're saying. I think it's something interesting and totally unexpected that came up because for 2 years we have been seperated, and now that's she's home, we've hung out a lot, and just chatted for hours. We both know we like each other, but it's only at an attraction level, because we have a lot of things we don't agree on and don't see each other on a marriage level.

I think on a surface level, it's because she's a brethren raised christian, and I'm on the charismatic side. So we don't believe in the same doctrines, and share the same sides when it comes to religion.

Digging deeper, there are other things, but it boils down to the fact we just like each other's blunt and honest friendship, and are not afraid to talk about anything.

We both know we don't want it to go as far as sex, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we're wrong. I never thought of this as an issue.

Opinions are good though, and I appreciate them.

NightCrawler
10-07-2006, 11:08 AM
"No attachment," right.


I haven't met a human strong enough to not connect some emotional cables when getting close to someone like that (holding, kissing/making out, etc.). Humans are, by nature, too frail to do so. When severed, the cables will flail and the system will not operate the same way.

Grow up. Both of you. (as in, get serious... don't be foolish)

P.S.
[The verse that dawn_of_light posted]

Tromos
10-07-2006, 03:40 PM
Seems to me that this, like so many other things in life, comes down to:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength."

Can you honestly say that you are using each other for the greater glory of God?

Friendships can certainly be this way. But when you serve only the immediate desires of your raging hormones, I think God has fallen out of the picture.

soleil
10-07-2006, 04:41 PM
you make a valid point tromos. I can personally vouch as a former street missionary and her attending bible college, we're doing the wrong things.

It's hard when you've been turning away slowly to just jump back in again. But it's true - the christian way is not the easy way.

Starbucks5721
10-07-2006, 05:44 PM
Haha, I have tried to write in here three or four times today and I still cannot articulate what I want to say the way I want to say it. I'm just going to go for it now, because maybe there just isnt a better way to say anything than to just share with you...

What I want to say is get out of it as fast as you can. And that it isnt going to be easy. And that you might end up going back. But you need to get out of it. It is disrespectful, not only to her from you and to you from her, but to your future spouses, if that is where you are called.

I know for me, I had to literally cut off almost all contact with him for a while. I couldnt see him without thinking about him. I had to really take a break, and it was horrible, because we were the best of friends, too. We just didnt want the commitment of a long term thing, and neither of us wanted the emotional hassle of it. We ended up with a bigger problem than we ever imagined.

However, a lot of prayer, a year or so, and me going to Confession about a bajillion times has really helped. We are now just back to being really good friends. It was hard to go off-limits like that, and sometimes, it still is. But I firmly believe we are better off for it. And we are both in better emotional places about it.

I feel horrible for my part in the whole thing. I can't believe I didnt treasure the gift the Lord gave me in my best friend. Instead, I treated him like dirt. I used him. Whether I intended to do that or not, that's the cold hard truth of it. I wasnt rejoicing in the fact that I had a beautiful friend. I wasnt thinking about the fact that God had given me a gift in him. I dont think I was thinking very much at all.

I am incredibly thankful I was given the support and prayers and direction to get out of it. I have grown further as a woman in the Lord because of it. And I see the wonderful creation of God in people like I never did before.

These are people God has given us to treasure like He would His own Sons and Daughters. What right do I have to do anything less?

as~i~lay~dying
10-07-2006, 07:12 PM
From personal experience ...

If you are not dating anyone and she's not. Why not? Just don't get attached and realize nothing serious will ever come form it.

as~i~lay~dying
10-07-2006, 07:13 PM
"No attachment," right.


I haven't met a human strong enough to not connect some emotional cables when getting close to someone like that (holding, kissing/making out, etc.). Humans are, by nature, too frail to do so. When severed, the cables will flail and the system will not operate the same way.
]

Well now you have! ;)

agent_c68
10-08-2006, 12:44 AM
look at this,

2 Timothy 2:22
Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.

Can you honestly say that being friends with "benefits" is fleeing lust? Is it pursuing righteousness, faith, love, or peace?

Think about it.

If you are not dating anyone and she's not. Why not? Just don't get attached and realize nothing serious will ever come form it.

Seriously. Which takes more to control, your actions or your emotional attachments? I've had a hard enough time controlling who I've developed emotional attachments to, even without the physical aspect to make things worse. I'd rather internally struggle with something then doing stuff that I will regret later.

And there's also the other person. sure, you know it won't last, but what if they loose sight of that and become emotionally attached to you. Or what if you start seeing them in a diffrent light and become emotionally attached to them?

Also, what happens when one of you finds a date? With the date appreciate what you've been doing because "I didn't have a date at the time"?

NightCrawler
10-08-2006, 07:22 PM
Well now you have! ;)
Good counter.

But unrealistic.

terrasin
10-09-2006, 03:49 AM
"No attachment," right.


I haven't met a human strong enough to not connect some emotional cables when getting close to someone like that (holding, kissing/making out, etc.). Humans are, by nature, too frail to do so. When severed, the cables will flail and the system will not operate the same way.
Tell that to my brother. He obviously missed that memo.

CJ

NightCrawler
10-09-2006, 06:56 AM
Tell that to my brother. He obviously missed that memo.

CJ
Is he maladaptive? I don't mean this to be offensive.

terrasin
10-09-2006, 08:10 AM
No, he just believes he can do whatever he wants and that the world revolves around him.

CJ

agent_c68
10-09-2006, 12:09 PM
No, he just believes he can do whatever he wants and that the world revolves around him.

CJ

Isn't that what being Friends with Benefits is about? It's getting your selfish physical desires without waiting. I want the pleasure without the effort of a relationship. It's not that you are helping the other person, they are in it for their selfish desires too.

kittygirl
10-09-2006, 04:46 PM
^ that's what I was going to reply. People want 'validation', they want to be in a relationship whether or not they deserve it. If you are a Christian...you shouldn't behave selfishly. Because self isn't (or shouldn't be, unless you're really NOT a follower of Jesus)a problem.

people of the world want to be in a relationship to hear "you're SO pretty." or "you're SO strong.", because frankly, without God, you're selfish. Or insecure. Either way leads to destruction, and the only thing that can help is Jesus.

soleil
10-09-2006, 04:56 PM
thanks for all the advice here. I've been thinking it over, and I've even talked to the girl. We're both leading unchristian lifestyles, and were not glorifying God in any way. I know that what I did was for myself, and her the same.

I've got some issues that need clearing up in my own personal life, and don't want to taint a dear friendship because of a night of lustful "fun"

I have a two-sided philosophy I used to live by, that I don't really follow anymore, but should really apply again.

1. Everything happens for a reason, and
2. If you search for love and act, nothing will come. Only when you stop and turn your focus away (in this case, on God), THEN will you find it.

Paulishdog
10-09-2006, 07:25 PM
Way to wake up from your Coma!

kittygirl
10-10-2006, 02:28 PM
"There is a law of moral attraction that attracts every man to the society most like himself. Where we go when we are free to go where we will is a goo indication of character."~A.W. Tozer

focus on God, and you will find others who want to be like Him too, who will want to build relationships with you.

theelectric3
10-22-2006, 04:42 PM
"..Where we go when we are free to go where we wil is a good indication of character."

i like that quote from A.W. Tozer a lot.

Nedarbi
10-22-2006, 09:05 PM
thanks for all the advice here. I've been thinking it over, and I've even talked to the girl. We're both leading unchristian lifestyles, and were not glorifying God in any way. I know that what I did was for myself, and her the same.

I've got some issues that need clearing up in my own personal life, and don't want to taint a dear friendship because of a night of lustful "fun"

I have a two-sided philosophy I used to live by, that I don't really follow anymore, but should really apply again.

1. Everything happens for a reason, and
2. If you search for love and act, nothing will come. Only when you stop and turn your focus away (in this case, on God), THEN will you find it.

consider that time in your life a test from god. you need to figure out and realize what is truly important to you. and your two-sided philosophy is a good place to start. especially the second one.