lamb_servant72
10-14-2006, 05:07 AM
I was thinking recently about how hard the first year of marriage is. I wish someone had told me when I got married that the first year is the hardest! CJ and Alex got married last year, and I'm wondering what type of advice they would give someone about to get married, or experiencing their first year. Dawn's announcement encouraged me to start this.

We had a thread giving marriage advice that was locked last year (because it was started by someone asking for marriage advice, and the relationship didn't work out). Alot of the advice you guys gave there was really good. I thought we should make one that wasn't directed to anyone specific.

I'm specifically wondering what, if anything, CJ and Alex have learned concerning marriage this past year, since they just experienced the first year. First, someone needs to go tell Alex that we have other threads here besides Mars Hill!:) But, we can all jump in and give advice.

dawn of light
10-14-2006, 06:48 AM
Awww, thanks Lisa! Well of course this thread will be good for anyone else getting married in the next little while. I'd love to here people's advice. :)

I'm so thankful to have people around me that are willing to be honest with us and give us good advice. We have at least three couple-friends that just got married within the last year and my best friend whom I've known for 11 years is getting married next month. We've also been taking a marriage course through our church lately (it's not just for couples it's for anyone who wants to learn how to have a good marriage). It's been really helpful in communication tips and other things. In a couple weeks we're also starting a marriage preperation course for people who are engaged. The bible says "my people perish for a lack of knowledge." That's one thing we don't want to do! We want to learn as much as possible about marriage so we can start applying Biblical principles in our home as soon as we get married.

terrasin
10-14-2006, 08:42 AM
Wow, yah, we're coming up on one year on the 22nd.

I would have to say that the hardest part about the first year for us is that she can't see her friends and family any time she wants. We've been back to California only once in the past year, which sucks because her family are all very close and I know she misses them quite a bit. However it doesn't make much sense to fly back for a weekend and only get to spend 1 day there. When we go back, we usually want to go for 2 weeks or more, but our schedule a lot of the time doesn't permit it. Luckily, there are going to be two weddings there this coming year, so we have plenty of reason to go back for visits. :)

Other issues that have come up would be, of course, finances. It's quite a shock when your bills suddenly double or more. You find you need to become more responsible with the way you spend money and prioritize your spending.

One thing I can say though, don't waste your time arguing and being mad at each other. Communication is the key to any relationship and if you don't have it, you're going to have problems. I read posts from people on another forum who, when they have a problem, tell the world about it, yet they don't have enough brain power to discuss the issues with their own spouse. Life is too short to live in bitterness. When you're angry and let it burn, you say things you don't mean or can't take back. You do things you will regret later out of spite that will only destroy a relationship. Luckily, Buggy and I have never had an argument, which is good because we are also blessed enough to be able to work together with pretty much everything. She works with me in our businesses, she does stage production with me, plays guitar which is awesome because it's the only thing I can't play. We are pretty much together 24/7.

Pretty crazy stuff. I can't believe it's been a year already. Luckily, the first ani is paper, and there happens to be this brand new Feist book I've been waiting to be released. ;)

CJ

weebird20
10-16-2006, 05:05 AM
oooh i love the idea of this thread....me and Scott have been engaged for a year and a bit now... still no sign of a wedding in the very near future though...we're waiting for him to finish University (which should be June 2007)...but i would love to hear some advice from you guys :)

Yeah terrasin...communication is very important...me and Scott have this thing of not going to bed mad at each other...thankfully we haven't had any arguments in the 3years we have been together...so this hasn't been tested fully yet...though we do try our hardest to talk to each other about things that are bothering us and sort them out before they get a chance to get bigger...i think he is better at it than me...cus i sometimes try to keep things to myself...so as not to bother other people with my problems :P been working on that though...

and Rachel gaining as much knowledge as possible about marriage so as to help you in the years to come is great...we try listening to sermons and reading as many books as possible on the subject...and we discussed marriage with our pastor too...you know our expectations of each other in marriage and our dreams and plans for the future...He asked us to go off on our own and write them all down and then compare them...which was a great eye openers because our answers were scarily similar!

dawn of light
10-16-2006, 05:37 AM
...me and Scott have this thing of not going to bed mad at each other...
Us too! I think it's a really good idea first of all because God commanded it ("don't let the sun go down on your wrath") and because it ensures that small problems won't be carried on until the next day. I find, if I go to bed mad then I'll probably wake up mad!

kittygirl
10-16-2006, 03:39 PM
I'm not married, or engaged, but one thing I do know from what I have seen...do not read bubblegum magazines for relationship advice. Not the formulas, or experiements, etc.

Rather be yourself(both of you), and don't expect too much out of someone.

NightCrawler
10-17-2006, 08:02 AM
Advice:
Pick up your socks.

skynes
10-17-2006, 10:52 PM
I'm not married, or engaged, but one thing I do know from what I have seen...do not read bubblegum magazines for relationship advice. Not the formulas, or experiements, etc.

Rather be yourself(both of you), and don't expect too much out of someone.

Yes, no bubblegum magazines.

Base your relationship and attitudes to one another on the Word of God.

Pray and read with each other daily.

Discuss everything, fears, hopes, dreams, anxieties. All of them.

Be utterly transparent to one another.

Spiffles
10-17-2006, 11:04 PM
but but but Bubblegum!!!!

the "*nod* yes dear" line works :D

Base your relationship and attitudes to one another on the Word of God.

Pray and read with each other daily.


I would have to agree completely with those thigns there that Skynes wrote.

weebird20
10-18-2006, 12:07 AM
yip the reading and praying with each other daily...makes a big difference to your relationship...

dawn of light
12-04-2006, 08:54 AM
So I have a question for all the married people out there...

I've been hearing a lot lately from a few different people that some people change a lot very soon after they get married.

A friend of a friend's husband instantly became solemn and introverted after marriage. He doesn't talk to his wife anymore, doesn't show her love, respect her, only pays attention to her when he wants something, etc. She has said that she made a mistake and if she could go back she would want to take more time to really get to know him before she married him. If she had known this was going to happen she probably wouldn't have married him.

A friend's brother got married and right away started to question authority, God, pastor, and pretty much lost his faith in God completely.

Karl and I have three different good friends that have gotten married recently. We hang out with these couples on a regular basis and I haven't noticed any change in personality.

My question for the married people is what was your first year of marriage like? Did you find that you wanted to change things right away? (for good or bad) How much has your spouse changed over the course of your marriage and how much have you changed?

I know that getting marriage changes the whole dynamic of a relationship. There are so many changes that a couple has to deal with, living together, intimacy, finances, etc., but I'd like to think at least that some aspects of the relationship would stay the same...

I'm interested in hearing peoples' thoughts on this, advice, personal anecdotes, etc.

Tromos
12-04-2006, 10:40 AM
Well, the long (18 month) engagement helped.

After marriage, though, I just have to be thankful that things worked out as they did:

1) There were no children to add to the early marital stress. We had more than 2 years together alone before the first child came along.
2) We moved 2000 miles away from all family so we were forced to depend solely on each other. Neither of us could run away since there was no where to go. The only place to go was home to face the problem.
3) We didn't see each other much. She worked retail sometime between 7am and 9pm and I worked 3rd shift from midnight to 8am. Since we saw each other so little, we spent more time enjoying each other's company.
4) We explored the intimacy side with lots of curiosity. I won't go into too much detail here ;D
5) I think the biggest human factor in it all, though, was the pain from the past. We'd both had previous long-term, serious relationships that seemed to be leading toward marriage and were painfully cut short. We were not each others' first loves, or kiss, or anything else for that matter. Speaking for myself, the residual pain from my previous relationship still haunts me and I still regularly (a few times a month) dream of my ex-fiancee with whom I split 12 years ago. The horror and the pain of those years, though, built a man that learned a lot about woman and managing a relationship. I've remembered most of those lessons.

And, of course, God has blessed us despite our failures. Our early marriage years were not spent as regular church members or in prayer or reading the Word. We were not especially pure and chaste and such before we got married. By the Grace of God we have a strong marriage anyway. And, from the man's perspective, the biggest lesson I have learned is that my pride means nothing. It does not matter now or ever what I want. Biblically I am called to love my wife as Christ loved the Church and that means being willing to sacrifice everything that is "me" for the sake of the marriage and the family. And while that sounds psychologically insane, I've found that God has rebuilt "me" into a better "me" and provides the opportunities I need to be the new "me".

Sorry. I rambled again.

terrasin
12-04-2006, 02:24 PM
I think there are a lot of factors to take into consideration when you're looking at the way a person is. When you're dating, you see the side of them they want to show you, which is usually their best side because obviously they are in search of a mate. Well, you won't get one by being all quiet and closed in, s they put on a face that really isn't their own to try and win the other over. After marriage, you spend a greater amount of time with the person and the true face of the person comes into view. You also allow yourself to be more like yourself because, after marriage, you've pretty much won the person over. The thrill of the chase has come to a close. This is why it's very important to just be yourself from day one.

Another thing is that, if the person is struggling with an issue, they can close themselves in rather than seeking help or resolve.

People react to things differently. If a person doesn't know who they are; they haven't taken the time to figure out what they want from life or made a decision about where they want to go, then they are more likely to quickly change over someone who has set goals or something they are working towards.

CJ

skynes
12-05-2006, 12:52 AM
4) We explored the intimacy side with lots of curiosity. I won't go into too much detail here

*sniggers pathetically*