dear panheads,

almost a week ago, a panhead named "love~addict" wrote a thread about one of her best freinds excepting satan as his saviour, again...well, i am that guy, and that guy is in despair.... ok, i used to be a hardcore satnist when i was younger, i said and did many terrible things to churches to christians, and to people around me. i'm not proud of what i've done, and i have asked for forgiveness for what i have done though i will never forgive myself.ok, for the past 2 weeks i've been having dreams of my past, and i have barely slept at all. i have been reminded of things in my dreams, and now they torture me again. also, my relationship with my best in the whole world is slowly crumbling before my eyes, and it really really hurts.to add on to that, one of my best freinds from the past commited suicide becuase her life was terrible and she picked the wrong way to fix it. i blamed myself for what happned to her and what had become of my former freinds. i'm not going to get into my past tonight becuase it will just more. what i'm really writing about is the my present situation. as you already know, just a few days ago i decided to run back to satan, but i found that i had changed to much in god, that satanism would just not fit into my life. i also have found, that i am still fascinated with people like marylin manson, and bands like cradle of filth and gorgoroth. i fell so ashamed of how much pain this is causing god, and how much dissapointment i am causing my best freind to have. i love who god is, but something in my heart has changed since the one day my spirit was away from him. my pride has grone, to the point where, my heart isn't willing to run back to god. part of feels so ashamed for what i ahve done in the past few days, and is very confused how such a love could turn so weak in one day. my heart is also stubborn, and i do not know how i can change the will of my heart, for the my heart is who i am. that is just part of me that feels that way. part of me would do anything to feel humility again, and to rely on god's love and grace. i want my heart to be whole again, and not split in two. i used to have a heart of a child, now my heart has turned stubborn and prideful. i am trying to fight this feeling i have, but i feel like i am losing. i need your advice, please help me...:(

~lee

Hmm, I like this song.

What A Friend We Have In Jesus

What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He’ll take and shield you; you will find a solace there.

Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised Thou wilt all our burdens bear
May we ever, Lord, be bringing all to Thee in earnest prayer.
Soon in glory bright unclouded there will be no need for prayer
Rapture, praise and endless worship will be our sweet portion there.

Well, you want it, that's a great start! Really, if you want God, He will meet you there. All of the guilt and shame isn't Him, because He came to bring you life. Just ask Him to fill you and He will. All He asks is that we repent, meaning that we express sorrow and turn away from our sins. Ya, it's that simple.

Sorround yourself with people who love God.

"For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10

><sarah><

Well, you can like some "gothic things" while still being Christian. One of my sisters is a Christian goth and there are websites like www.christiangoth.com that you might like.

Joel 2:12:
The LORD said: It isn't too late. You can still return to me with all your heart.

i am praying for you.

God has power over satan. there is nothing satan can do above God's power.

God loves you. really, He LOVES you.

your heart is in a great place right now. many people fall back into sin and don't even realize it.
here is what i want you to do: go to a quiet place and talk to God. tell Him exactly everything you just posted here, and maybe more that you didn't want to say here. but tell him everything. it doesn't seem like much, but doing this will make a world of difference. He already knows everything and still loves you, so there is nothing you can tell Him that will make Him see you any differently. but He wants to hear what you have to say, He wants to hear it all from you. and He will listen in love. even tell Him you feel like you have too much pride that you don't feel you can run back to Him. but just talk to Him.