aliensoul_squire20
02-05-2007, 09:58 AM
Okay, so I've been working on this for English as journal entries. I'm psyched about it because it's the farthest I've ever gotten on a story.

I'll post periodically in chapters or sections of a chapter.

aliensoul_squire20
02-05-2007, 10:19 AM
I

He saw the firey, bloodshot whites of death's eyes, floating in midair above a desolate plain of hard, dried dirt.
"This can't be how it ends!" He shouted at the surrounding darkness. "I was promised greatness! I haven't acheived my destiny! You can't take me now!"
The ground vibrated beneath his feet- at first softly, then growing in intensity. The earth cracked and he jumped back. Where he'd been standing a second ago was now a giant hole.
From the gaping hole poured black smoke that rose in a pillar behind death's eye. From the smoke came forth six creatures.
Demons- once fair beautiful angels- now black, gaunt, and dead looking came toward him.
He slowly backed away from the monsters as they slowly moved towards him before pouncing upon him. Their grips were incredile for being such frail-looking creatures. And they began to drag him towards the opened earth.
"No!" He shouted, struggling from the demons, clawing in the dirt. "Help me! God, helpm me!"
The grip on the loose dust on the ground changed to something solid, something round. He looked foreward to his hand to see a gleaming sword in his grasp. He swung the blade at the demons, cutting one of their hands.
The demons shot back from him, caught off guard by the blade. But they regained their composure quickly and lunged at him again.
As the demons came withing range, all at once, he swung the blade again with as much force as he could put out. The blade shot out a beam of light that knocked the demons back into the open earth.
And then he dropped down, gasping. With just a bunch of scratches and a few bruises, he had survived this terrifying encounter.
As he began to stand and turn his back to the hole from which the demons came, a great hand began to form in the pillar of smoke. The hand lunged upon him, completely engulfing him in a thick suffocating smog. And the hand dragged him into the hole.
Soon, everything was darker than the thickest darkness, and the most powerful pain engulfed him. It was a pain beyond the comprehension of the human imagination. It bit into his soul, forcing him to scream beyond his limits in pain. The screams of millions upon millions of fellow victims subjected to this pain filled his mind.
This could only be hell.
And then, the pain ceased.
The screaming subsided.
The darkness faded away.
And he was in a white-walled room, in a bed.


So, please let me know what you think. I'll try to get the next bit up as soon as I can. And thanks for reading.

God bless, Alien.

the rocker
02-06-2007, 01:00 PM
Awesome! Really good wording and it was intresting. The only thing is that it went really fast. I have a problem with this too when I write stories. But otherwise it was awesome.

alienyouth9292
02-06-2007, 03:22 PM
dude, that is great!!! i enjoyed reading that. please write chapter 2!!!!

aliensoul_squire20
02-07-2007, 08:57 AM
Thanks guys.

Awesome! Really good wording and it was intresting. The only thing is that it went really fast. I have a problem with this too when I write stories. But otherwise it was awesome.

About it going really fast, a lot of first chapters I've read are short. Also, what I'm posting is sort of rough drafts of the story.

And I'll get more soon, I don't want to post so fast that I can't keep up with writing. that would be bad.

Unregistered
02-07-2007, 12:51 PM
id say could use some polish

animeraven34
02-07-2007, 12:52 PM
Oh dear... *bites tongue*

alienyouth9292
02-07-2007, 04:24 PM
^^?????

aliensoul_squire20
02-08-2007, 04:11 PM
I posted this knowing that it needs some polishing, whoever unregistered is ;) . Like I said, it's a rough copy. I haven't even started saving it to my computer, all I've got is a notebook with a lot of rushed sections so I can write something else ;D .

I'll hopefully have time to post chapter 2 (or a section of it) tomorrow or over the weekend.

Until then...

God bless, Alien

aliensoul_squire20
02-09-2007, 10:22 AM
!DANGER!:o another short chapter ahead! A bit less interesting than chapter 1.

Sorry, I promise chapters will get longer after this one. ;D
II

"It was all a dream," he said, relieved. He tried sitting up in the bed to get a bearing on where he was. Bad idea. Every muscle, bone, and nerve cried in agony at the slightest movement.

And then a face came into view. It was her. Jannett Wess. Light brown hair to the shoulders, sparkling blue eyes, and a very kind face. Childhood friend. Nothing more.

"It wasn't a dream," Jannett said, the deepest concern on her face.

"But, I was dying... and... and demons, and a black smog... and fire and pain," he stammered, panicing more with each word.

"Geoff," Jannett put her hand on his shoulder to calm him, "I don't know what you're talking about, but that was a dream." She looked into Geoff's eyes with a reassurance like a mother's or an older sisters.

Geoff could see a hint of curiosity in her eyes. He must sound psychotic.

"Where am I?" Geoff asked after a long pause.

"St. John's hospital, in the city," Jannett informed him with the warmth that he was in good hands. "You don't remember what happened, do you?"

Geoff stared blankly at her. All he remembered was his dream before waking, and the pain.

Jannett sighed and pulled a chair to Geoff's bedside. "You were hit by a car. I don't know how it happened," she said before Geoff could ask. "We were on our way to the gym, as usual. One second, you were standing right beside me, and the next..."

She put her hand over her mouth, regaining her composure. She'd never been good at keeping her emotions in check when someone she cared about was in danger.

"The next second, you were in the street, right in front of a car going probably sixty miles per hour," she said, having to pause again. "It's like you were pushed into the street, but there was no one near enough to us. So how could you have been pushed?"

"How long have I been here?" Geoff asked.

"Almost a week," Jannett said. "You got a strong concusion. It's amazing that you're awake already. The doctors predicted you'd be out for about another week..."

"Is there something you're not telling me?" Geoff said.

"No, of course not," Jannett said, turning a little in her seat.

"I can tell when you're lying," Geoff said sternly. "Just tell me."

"The doctors said that during surgery, for a few seconds," she paused again, actually beginning to cry.

Geoff knew what she was going to say. The tears spoke the words in her place.

Geoff had actually died for a moment in time.

A nurse, middle aged, came into the room and saw that Geoff was awake. "Young lady," she said, scoldingly, "you should have alerted the doctor that he'd woken."

Jannett was forced to leave so that the doctor could examine Geoff. The doctors check with the usual shining the light in his eyes, blood pressure, and so on.

After the doctor had left, Geoff was left all alone. He laid in the bed, contemplating the accident that had put him here and the dream of hell he'd had.



Okay, so, that's chapter 2. Like I said, it's short, but sort of explains what happened in chapter 1. And you learn the main character's name, and another character to the story. So, it's got its purpose in the story.

God bless, alien.

alienyouth9292
02-09-2007, 12:34 PM
nice job....it all starts to make sense now...

forceflow17
02-09-2007, 03:38 PM
interesting

Quadripedman
02-09-2007, 06:10 PM
hmm.... pretty good. needs some polishing, like more detail (a lot more. detail the "poo-poo" out of the story), and i would start sencenses with "and" too many times. use more transistions "then; next; after, etc", and like i said, detail, detail, detail. but you have a great begenning! ;)

aliensoul_squire20
02-09-2007, 07:28 PM
Thanx.

And (yes, I love starting sentences with "and") again, I emphasize on the fact that this is all rough copies. I will probably.... no, without a doubt emphasize that this is all rough copies from a journal that I'm writing for english. Sorry, I just feel that I have to do it, to justify my lack of nice and shiny vocab and lack of some details.


Probably, when I go through the process of editing, I'll be doing it for a very, very, VERY long time (I hate doing that kind of stuff). Therefor, it would take a long time for me to post the next section. So, I probably won't get too into editing and all that until I have the main line of the story written so I can fill in any holes (or at least ones that I can spot)and fix grammar and make it less repetitive with words.

So, once again, thanks for reading. And thank you for pointing out the fact that it needs polishing.... again ;)

And (lol), a forewarning, I think I'll be getting slammed with demands for a spit-shine when I get into the more action-y parts. I've never been the greatest with writing action sequences.

God bless, alien

Quadripedman
02-10-2007, 05:24 AM
(just a suggestion, but,) ive found when im writing, i try to put EVERYTHING that i have thought about it down, and then i can come back later and edit stuff out, or add stuff, or change stuff around. but like always put everything youve thought of down (if you can):)

animeraven34
02-10-2007, 01:55 PM
I posted this knowing that it needs some polishing, whoever unregistered is ;) .

That would be disciple.

And I'm still going to keep my comments and thoughts to myself. I've caused enough controversy as of late.

aliensoul_squire20
02-10-2007, 05:26 PM
Hmmmmmmmmmm................


dare I say it? Dare I openly state that I accept the controversy?

Yea, go for it. bring on the controversy. As a writer, I welcome it.

I'm not sure exactly what kind of controversy you're talking about, AnimeRaven, but I'll say this now, for everybody who wants to stir things up a little:

I don't have any right to be writing this if I can't take the controversy, or even welcome it. So bring it on. Seriously. I can't stand the people who put something out and don't take the controversy.

For example, I'm seeing it in my church. One of the deacons preaches at the end of the month, and he always gets into a very controversial topic, but he won't accept or welcome the fact that some people don't agree.

But, I hope no one here will be that much holier-than-thou like that.

So, if that all makes any sense, or if I'm just rambling here, I will welcome the controversy. As my favorite author (Ted Dekker- this is from one of his blogs) said: "In all of this, someone with a loud voice or a big stick will start stamping their feet and making a fuss." And we shouldn't let that bother us. We should face the oncoming train (controversy) without having to be strapped to the tracks.

God bless, Alien

jade
02-10-2007, 05:50 PM
Alien, I don't think you need to worry about controversy with your story.

Bassplayer
02-10-2007, 05:52 PM
dude, it sounds really good. i like it. for a rough draft, it's good. much better than anything i've tried to write. i've been wanting to write books and stuff, but i seem to lack vision and inspiration. i'll start out with a story in mind but i can never get the ending down. but yeah, the story is sounding pretty good.

aliensoul_squire20
02-11-2007, 06:49 AM
Alien, I don't think you need to worry about controversy with your story.

Oh, I wouldn't put it past some people. Seriously, the guy I mentioned from my church would find something wrong with it. Plus, I just wanted to get that right out there, just in case.

And bassplayer, thanks. I know what you mean about starting a story but not finishing it. I've got 8 stories started on my computer that I just don't go with because I lose inspiration on them.

And for the record, I believe that one of those stories would create HUGE controversy. If you read chapter one of it the way I originally wrote it, you'd think I'm twisted the way I think Steven King is twisted. lol.

Anyway, I hope to get chapter three posted soon. but I might wait a little while, like i said before, I don't want to try and meet the demand and run out of supply. I'm in a little bit of a rut with the part I'm writing now.

God bless, Alien

forceflow17
02-12-2007, 03:08 PM
long waits can be worth it. look at hawk nelson's second album. for the record, i think the story is great.

aliensoul_squire20
02-12-2007, 04:30 PM
Thanks.

Another example of long waits being worth it is, well, Comatose.

riz
02-16-2007, 01:50 PM
start sencenses with "and" too many times.

One of the strange gifts you are given as a writer, is that sometimes (and I strongly emphasize sometimes) you can break rules of grammar to work better with the narrator's POV. If the character talks very nonchalantly, or quickly, breaking up sentences to fragments are allowable. It's basically on you though to make sure whatever you do works with what you want to say. Starting sentences with "but" or "and" is fine if it works well. Using fragments is fine if that's how your narrator would speak, or if it doesn't sound clunky or awkward.

Just thought I'd put that out for you.

Aragornsgirl217
02-17-2007, 03:44 PM
Wow! Really good! I think it's coming along great for a rough draft! Much better than anything I could ever write!!

And I'm with you on the start alot of sentences with "and", and with Ted Dekker being my fave author!

Keep up the good work!
~Nickie

aliensoul_squire20
02-17-2007, 05:31 PM
One of the strange gifts you are given as a writer, is that sometimes (and I strongly emphasize sometimes) you can break rules of grammar to work better with the narrator's POV. If the character talks very nonchalantly, or quickly, breaking up sentences to fragments are allowable. It's basically on you though to make sure whatever you do works with what you want to say. Starting sentences with "but" or "and" is fine if it works well. Using fragments is fine if that's how your narrator would speak, or if it doesn't sound clunky or awkward.

Just thought I'd put that out for you.

You know, I never thought of that, but it makes a lot of sense to me. I guess I just have to figure out what works for me and what doesn't sound awkward at the same time.

Something that bugs me when I'm writing is when I can't think of other things to say than "He said" and how to describe certain things like physical types stuff that would be realistic, or sometimes time concept and dimensions.


And Nickie, yay for Ted. lol.

And thanks to both of you.


God bless, Alien

animeraven34
02-17-2007, 06:05 PM
I didn't read much past the first part of the story...I found it too painful (read as laughable) to read. There I said it. I was literally laughing out loud while reading it. Sorry, but I think that's just bad writing, even for a rough draft.

forceflow17
02-18-2007, 10:43 AM
I think it is great writing. Let's see ^ do better.

aliensoul_squire20
02-18-2007, 01:18 PM
I didn't read much past the first part of the story...I found it too painful (read as laughable) to read. There I said it. I was literally laughing out loud while reading it. Sorry, but I think that's just bad writing, even for a rough draft.

Ouch.

But hey, I said I wanted you to say it. I've never claimed to be good with words, and I don't expect everyone to like my writing.

And when I say ouch, it's a good way. Cause it's just gonna motivate me. So thanks for being honest.

And thanks for the complements from those who like it.

God bless, Alien

riz
02-18-2007, 06:12 PM
Let's see ^ do better.

Careful with that. I don't know if Jon's a big writer or not, but you never know. He could have quite outstanding penmanship.

Comatose_06
02-18-2007, 07:11 PM
Hey, I think you did a really good job! This is going to be awesome when it's finished, because even the first parts you've written are exciting and intense! Keep it up. God Bless

~Chris~

alienyouth9292
02-19-2007, 06:41 AM
I didn't read much past the first part of the story...I found it too painful (read as laughable) to read. There I said it. I was literally laughing out loud while reading it. Sorry, but I think that's just bad writing, even for a rough draft.



don't you have something else to do rather than trashing someone's writing? if you're going to do that, you need to at least explain why it was "laughable" to read.....:-\ >:(

animeraven34
02-19-2007, 09:48 AM
I think it is great writing. Let's see ^ do better.
I don't like or want to blow my own horn, but I'm pretty sure I have done better. If you don't want my opinion than ask disciple or alorian or fire-inside or weebird, they've all seen my stuff. I may not be a full fledged writer, but I'm an aspiring writer. I've got six stories that I'm working on currently. And the rest of you: calm down a little please. I had every intention of coming back to explain. I was extremely rushed that day and simply ran out of time to post more than that. And I'm not looking to stir things up.

When I say "laughable" it's because of past experience. When I write something horrible I laugh about it and try again. When I see bad writing I usually laugh about it instead of criticize the author to death.

Ok. I never said it wasn't creative. It is. The main reason I consider it bad is because of the descriptions. Some of them are contradictory, others come off as long winded, and others are just boring or a little too detailed. Descriptions can make or break the story. Like here: "He saw the firey, bloodshot whites of death's eyes, floating in midair above a desolate plain of hard, dried dirt." A little contradictory and too many descriptors. I would have gone with something like "The fiery, bloodshot eyes of death were before him, hovering over a desolate plain of cracked earth." I try to keep a few things in mind when writing descriptions: make it vivid, but keep it short as you can; try to avoid the use of common, everyday words, and don't use the same words over and over.

Also, don't limit yourself to just your favorite authors or styles. Try and find other authors and stories that you like. Talk with people about who they think is a great writer, and if you keep hearing a certain name then look into that person's body of work. The variety can help a great deal. I've read just about everything from Laura Ingalls Wilder to Robert A. Heinlein to John Milton to H.P. Lovecraft to J.R.R. Tolkein.

weebird20
02-19-2007, 10:23 AM
Jon does have some excellent stuff :) so his advice is coming from good experience...

great tips there about keeping things short and sweet...not overloading the reader with descriptions but giving something simple that will allow their imagination to run riot...not overusing words is another good one...sometimes it can make a piece feel repetitive or childish...but yes good advice...

Constructive criticism is good and worth taking on board :)

Jacob i enjoyed reading your story...i myself quite liked it...but as you said its a first draft and your gona keep working on it...so i would say its better to get constructive criticism on something than everyone just say "wow thats great" or "well done, i like it"...that way you know how to improve :) but yes it is still nice to hear that you did ok with something...

alorian
02-19-2007, 04:12 PM
Yes, his advice is coming from good experience :)

aliensoul_squire20
02-19-2007, 10:29 PM
Once again, I say thank you to the people who give compliments.

And thank you Jon for the constructive criticism. I know that a lot of my descriptions aren't good. It's not something I'm great at. And the idea of not repeating words or using nothing but every-day words: I try to not do that. But I can't seem to find the right words a lot of the time, so I end up leaving it to every-day and repetition.

I've never claimed to have a great way with words. I think I'm better with lyric writing, but I still don't claim to be really good at that.

And I know a lot about laughing at my own work. Trust me, I've trashed a lot of stories because I think the writing is bad.

And I will try my best to make it not laughable. But I can't promise that, I'm not great with words.

Could I take a look at your stuff Jon? Maybe I might learn a thing or two?

I will say this to EVERYONE now: I welcome constructive criticism. If you see something wrong, tell me. I don't want just compliments, because I know for a fact that it's not that great.

I'll try to get up something new soon. I've had limited internet access with my brother home from college.

God bless, Alien

animeraven34
02-22-2007, 01:06 PM
Once again, I say thank you to the people who give compliments.

And thank you Jon for the constructive criticism. I know that a lot of my descriptions aren't good. It's not something I'm great at. And the idea of not repeating words or using nothing but every-day words: I try to not do that. But I can't seem to find the right words a lot of the time, so I end up leaving it to every-day and repetition.

I've never claimed to have a great way with words. I think I'm better with lyric writing, but I still don't claim to be really good at that.

And I know a lot about laughing at my own work. Trust me, I've trashed a lot of stories because I think the writing is bad.

And I will try my best to make it not laughable. But I can't promise that, I'm not great with words.

Could I take a look at your stuff Jon? Maybe I might learn a thing or two?

I will say this to EVERYONE now: I welcome constructive criticism. If you see something wrong, tell me. I don't want just compliments, because I know for a fact that it's not that great.

I'll try to get up something new soon. I've had limited internet access with my brother home from college.

God bless, Alien

Don't beat yourself up too much. Writing is hard and I've been doing it since I was young.

breakthesilence
02-22-2007, 03:56 PM
i think these are excellent for first drafts. once you're finished getting the story down you can go back and expand, adding more details, perhaps rephrasing confusing or lengthy bits, developing your characters more, and maybe even add a few subplots to keep things interesting. plus, you've got us panheads around to help you if you're stuck on something. ;)

aliensoul_squire20
02-22-2007, 05:57 PM
thank you.

That's one of the reasons I'm posting this, is so that I can get some help if I need to.

I'm gonna try to get the next part up soon, either later tonight, or tomorrow sometime. If not, just pester me until I get it up.

the rocker
02-23-2007, 02:22 PM
Pester..

aliensoul_squire20
02-23-2007, 02:30 PM
ummmmm...........

now for the winner of "most random post"...........

and the winner is the rocker for his post of "pester.."

the rocker
02-23-2007, 02:33 PM
Ha...yay, I win something.

forceflow17
02-23-2007, 06:19 PM
you did tell people to pester you

bubblesemm
02-24-2007, 07:43 AM
very good story.i love it.

fire-inside
02-26-2007, 02:25 AM
If you need some helping turning ordinary words into extraordinary ones, get a thesarus. You just have to be careful to not get carried away with all the fun synonyms and end up with something overly wordy.

Your chapters are a good skeleton for something better. You can definitely build on it and turn out a pretty good story. But I would definitely recommend a thesarus. ;)

And also, I will say that, the little bit of Jon's writing I was able to enjoy was quite good. He's got some stuff up his sleeve.

aliensoul_squire20
02-26-2007, 09:56 AM
you did tell people to pester you

Oh, yea, I did. I thought that I said to pester me after he said that.

Well, the rocker, I'm sorry, but I'll have to take that award back. Your post wasn't as random as I thought it was. ;D

I'm gonna get the next part up in a few minutes. Just gonna use a fresh post for it.

aliensoul_squire20
02-26-2007, 10:27 AM
III

Two weeks later, Geoff was walking out onto the streets of a small New York city. His arm was in a cast and his leg in a splint, which cause him to limp.

At about two in the afternoon on a mid-summer's day, the sidewalks were unusually crowded. A few clouds spotted the fairly clear sky and the it was a pleasently warm day.

Then Geoff felt a sudden cold chill shoot through his spine. Strange for a breezeless and warm day.

Geoff stepped off the curb, taking advantage of the red light down the street to the left. As Geoff stepped into the street, the car at the red light suddenly sped forward before the light turned green. The car was speeding right for Geoff.

Geoff caught a glimpse of the driver's face- scared as though he'd lost controll of his car. Suddenly, just as the car was closing in on him, Geoff was tackled down to the street, hitting his head on the asphalt.

Geoff was quickly pulled up and carried across the remainder of the street. As Geoff's savior carried him along, many pedestrians tried to question what was happening, but he wouldn't stop.

Near the middle of the street, Goeff's savior pushed through a door to an old abandoned looking building that used to be a insurance office. Despite the outer appearance, the inside was a very well-furnished reception area.

Geoff was laid down on a couch that sat against a wall, and his mystery savior slipped silently into the shadows along the opposite wall.

Geoff came to and saw the person who'd saved his life standing in the shadows. He sat up and coughed out a "Thank you."

"We can't have our hero die, can we?" The mystery savior said, confirming that he was a man. It was a statement that would have normally been sarcastic, but there wasn't a hint of sarcasm in his voice. Geoff assumed that this was a "you're welcome" of some sort.

"Wait, what do you mean 'hero'?" Geoff demanded, trying to see the shadowed face. "And who are you?"

"First, let's start with your first 'accident'," the man said, avoiding the question. "It was no accident. Someone pushed you into the street to be hit by that car."

"There's no way that I was pushed," Geoff said.

"No, you were," the man said with certainty that couldn't easily be denied. "But, just for the sake of you not arguing, I'll tell you who I am now." The man stepped out of the shadows.

A caucaisian man with a gentle face and emerald eyes under flowing blonde hair. Geoff was surprised because it didn't match the strong voice.

Geoff frowned. "Why were you hiding yourself from me?" he asked.

"Geoff, I am an angel," the man said.

Geoff laughed at the man. "An angel? Yea, right. You may have saved my life, but an angel? Come on, there's no possible way. Also, how'd you know my name?"

"I am an angel, sent by God," the man said. "That's how I know your name, and what happened to you."

"An angel of God?" Geoff scoffed. "Prove it."

"You humans always need proof, don't you?" The angel shook his head with sadness. "Alright, then."

The angel closed his eyes and the room became pitch dark. A second later, the room was filled with blinding light that emitted from the man.

As the light dimmed, huge white wings flapped behind the man's back, lifting him off the floor.

Geoff fell back onto the couch, his jaw dropped in awe.





I ran out of time, I'll put more up later.

forceflow17
02-28-2007, 08:34 AM
nice

aliensoul_squire20
03-07-2007, 10:49 AM
III(continued)

Geoff stared at the great wings for a moment, before finally closing his mouth. Now that the wonder of the illusion had worn off, Geoff came back to his senses.

"Okay, wings," Geoff said, still skeptical. "So you're an illusionist. Special effects, the darkness was key."

The angel's wings disappeared as the room was filled with the same blinding light.

"You have such small faith," the angel said sadly. "Though, I cannot say I'm surprised. After all, your long attendance to church was never of faith, but for your own image. Sadly, you've never had a true faith."

Geoff stepped forward, enraged. "Where do you get off saying stuff like that?"

"What will give you faith?" The angel inquired. "A miracle? What then, once the wonder and memory of that miracle has faded away? Will another miracle have to be performed?"

Geoff broke eye contact with the man. He couldn't fight shame when looking into those eyes. Those eyes spoke to him, saying that the man was truthful. Saying that faith was a requirement, a necessity.

"Your heart is cold," the angel said, the sadness for Geoff growing ever more evident. Stepping forward, the angel gently took Geoff's broken right arm.

The angel looked up to the ceiling and whispered a prayer. "Please give the power to heal this man's wounds. Only then might he have faith."

Geoff's eyes closed. He felt a pleasant warmth wash over him like the tides.

When his eyes opened again, Geoff was floating in water. For a split second, he floated at the surface, the warmth still soothing him. Then a wave crashed down on him, forcing him deep into the water.

Geoff fought back to the surface. In fraction of a second, he took in a breath of air and caught a glimpse of the world beyond the water. He saw, though, that there was no world beyond these crashing waves.

"Co... t... e."

Geoff flailed around. he heard a voice, distorted by the tempest waves. He just didn't know where, or what direction it came from.

"Who's there? Where are you?" Geoff cried out before another wave slammed over his head. "Please, help me!"

Another wave crashed down on Geoff, forcing him even deeper below the surface. As he plunged further into the waters, his body spun violently around. His sense of direction was disoriented.

"Co.... t... e.." The voice was there, below the surface of the water.

<Where am I?> Geoff thought. He could feel the last ounce of his strength slip away.

"Come to me."

Geoff heard the voice clearly. No, he didn't hear it. He felt it in his heart. It brought him a surreal calm, and an overwhelming horror.

<Who are you?>

"You know who I am."

<Why am I here?>

"You've known me all along."

<What is this place?>

"You can come back to me."

<Where are you?>

"You know how to find me."

<How do I know?>

"I've always been with you."

<You have?>

"You just tried to push me away."

<Why would I push you away?>

"Because you were scared."

<Scared of what?>

"You were scared of me."

<Why?>

"Because you turned your back on me."

<I'm so sorry.>

"I love you."

<How can you love me after I turned my back on you?>

"Because I made you, even knowing that you'd turn from me."

<I'm so sorry.>

"I gave my life for yours."

"I'm so sorry!" Geoff cried out.

He was back in the room with the angel. The warmth that washed over him before being pulled into the stormy ocean lingered in traces, even after the angel let his arm go.

Geoff's arm didn't hurt anymore. He felt for the fresh cuts and bruises on his face to find they were gone. The pain in his splinted leg was gone too.

Geoff fell to his knees and cried.

The angel closed his lifted eyes and spread his arms in praise. "Thank You," he whispered in prayer. "He finally understands."



and that's all for chapter 3.

God bless, Alien.

alienyouth9292
03-07-2007, 12:30 PM
:afro:

I Bite
03-07-2007, 12:40 PM
I like your story a lot, but there is one part that didn't make sense to my tiny brain...

"You were scared of me."

<Why?>

"Because you turned your back on me."

he was scared of him because he turned his back on him?
Correct me if I got that wrong, or misunderstood what you were trying to get across...

aliensoul_squire20
03-07-2007, 02:48 PM
Wow, and I thought it was an extremely simple conversation to understand.

The person talking in the <> was Geoff.

The person talking in quotations is God.

We all turned our backs on God and are scared because of that.

Even Adam and Eve hid from God because they were afraid (Genesis 3: 8-10). They sinned against God, a.k.a. turned their backs on Him.

I apologize for confusion. I thought that it would be pretty apparent by the lines "Because I made you, even knowing that you'd turn from me." and "I gave my life for yours" that the person talking to Geoff is God.

alienyouth9292
03-08-2007, 11:09 AM
Wow, and I thought it was an extremely simple conversation to understand.

The person talking in the <> was Geoff.

The person talking in quotations is God.

We all turned our backs on God and are scared because of that.

Even Adam and Eve hid from God because they were afraid (Genesis 3: 8-10). They sinned against God, a.k.a. turned their backs on Him.

I apologize for confusion. I thought that it would be pretty apparent by the lines "Because I made you, even knowing that you'd turn from me." and "I gave my life for yours" that the person talking to Geoff is God.


don't worry....i understood it perfectly:) ...

I Bite
03-08-2007, 02:49 PM
I understood what the lines were for. i understood who was talking when. I'm not stupid. I just didn't see how, if he turned his back on God, he would be scared of Him.
Why would you be scared of God if you turned your back on Him? this is assuming you didn't do it purposefully...idk. it confused my teeny little brain...
whatever.

aliensoul_squire20
03-08-2007, 03:20 PM
Didn't mean to offend you with explaining who was talking. I just wasn't sure if that's why it confused you. plus, it was also for the benefit of anyone who didn't catch onto it.

I'm not sure if you're still confused or not, so please don't get offended when I explain now.

We fear God. When we're lost in sin, we're afraid of God because, well, he's God, and he could just decide to punish us in the worst way possible. I speak from experience here. I've feared God because I sinned against him, which I describe as "turning my back on him". It's like if you disobey your parents, you're afraid of them, in a way, because you're afraid of their reaction and punishment.

So, if you understood after the first time, I'm sorry for going through this again. And I apologize if I offended you.

I Bite
03-10-2007, 09:07 PM
no, its cool...I realize I sound like an idiot who doesn't understand something that everyone else gets.

I just wanna know if Geoff has had a prior experience, if you will, with God. And if he did, thats when he turned his back, and since then, since he knows who God is, thats why he's scared, cuz he knows what God can do. Right?
It just didn't make sense to me that someone who had no experience with God would be scared of Him...Why would you be scared of something/someone you knew nothing about?

aliensoul_squire20
03-11-2007, 09:18 AM
Well, prior to this, Geoff was the type of person who attended church for his own image. He didn't really believe in God and redemption. But on some level, he knew God was real, and feared him. My view is that on some level, even the most atheistic person knows that God is real, and fears that, even if it's not on a conscious level.

Basically, What I'm saying is that every single person in the world knows that God is real on some level. Romans 1:20 says "For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and God-head; so that they are without excuse." (KJV)

So, to me, that says that even in the remotest of places on earth, away from all technology and civilization, where there is no faith in God, a person there knows that God is existent on some level through the plain fact that earth and him/herself exists.

So, Geoff knows of God's existence on his personal level (consciously in this case) and fears God because he's sinned. Hopefully this clears it up.

I Bite
03-11-2007, 10:05 AM
Ok, i gotcha now. Thanks for explaining it to me.

Also, I feel I must apologize for sounding so snappy up there(^^^^)
I could have said the same thing without sounding so mad. I'm sorry.

someoneudontkno
03-18-2007, 07:22 PM
just a 'ittle comment. during the whole orrientation of the angel, c if u can fit in allitle more history. try to make it short, cause the timing and spacing is really working. it was fast in the beggining, but its comming around, but try and add a bit more description on the past, so your future readers wont have the same quistions

aliensoul_squire20
03-19-2007, 12:12 PM
Thanx for the advice, Brett.

And if anyone's wondering when I'll post more, my journal book is in the hands of my English teacher. So until it gets graded and returned, I can't do anything.

forceflow17
03-20-2007, 09:07 AM
still a great story

alienyouth9292
03-30-2007, 07:35 AM
coughCHAPTER4cough, lol

I Bite
03-30-2007, 07:37 AM
lol

so subtle

;)

aliensoul_squire20
03-30-2007, 12:06 PM
HAhaha. sorry, I got my journal back last week and just haven't had time to post more with so much homework. Since it's the weekend now, I'll do it. And thank you for pestering, it's motivation and it makes me feel like my work is wanted. So thanks.

IV

Head swimming, Geoff dropped down onto the couch. After several minutes, he'd calmed down and gathered himself.

"So..." Geoff said, trying to make sense of things. "So you're an angel. What are you doing on earth? Shouldn't you be up in heaven?"

"I was sent to save you," the angel simply stated.

"But why?" Geoff questioned.

"Your first accident," the angel said, as though that would make it all make sense.

"What about it?" Geoff asked, still lost.

"It was not accident. You were pulled into the street." A grim shadow seemed to fall over the angel's face.

After letting Geoff digest this for a moment, the angel continued. "You were pulled into the street by a demon. They fear you. Or, more precisely what you will become. Lucifer has found a way to get his demons into the mortal realm. They know that you're the only human that may be able to stop this. They tried to take you into hell, but you escaped."

"That wasn't a dream?" Geoff's eyes widened in fear.

"No, it wasn't. It was a spiritual struggle on the brink of death. by showing a sliver of real faith, you were given the Sword to strike the demons."

"But," Geoff stammered, head reeling again, "I was dragged into hell. I remember it, the smog dragged me into hell."

"God must have pulled you back out," the angel said. He was showing a first sign that he didn't know all the answers. "That's curious. You showed faith when you cried out to God. You should, after all circumstances, be in hell right now."

"Oh, that's a comfort," Geoff said sarcastically.

"But it's true," the angel said bluntly.

"Okay, whatever," Geoff said, not wanting to think about being in hell. "Back to the demons. Why are they afraid of me?"

"They are afraid because in you, they see the potential to strike them down into the pits of hell. So, in attempts to stop that, they've been trying to kill you in a staged accident. They put you in front of that car, making you look like you'd lost balance, a couple weeks ago. Today, they forced that car to speed at you."

"So, that's why the driver looked so freaked out," Geoff concluded. Something occurred to him: "But, why didn't you save me the first time?"

"God sent neither me nor any other angel to save you," The angel explained. "God must have wanted you to encounter the demons as a test of sorts."

"A test?" Geoff shouted, outraged.

"Yes," the angel said firmly. "A test of your faith. Not much unlike when Abraham was commanded by the Lord to sacrifice Isaac, his only son. Or like when Jesus said to his disciples, "Follow me", and they left everything behind them in faith. You passed your test by showing faith to strike the demons down."

"Okay, what was that hand that pulled me into hell?" Geoff demanded.

"I can only guess that that was the hand of the devil, trying to ensure that you couldn't stop his plans," The angel said uncertainly.

"Now," the angel said, all business, "onto the coming dangers. And, please, do not interrupt," the angel said as Geoff opened his mouth. "At some point in the near future, six demons will be unleashed upon this realm. These six demons have always had strong influence over the human heart to sin. Each has always had the influence of a certain sin.

"Normally, these influences are strictly a just influence- no real control over the human. Once in this realm, their influence will be vastly stronger, being able to control most people. But you, Geoff, have the potential for a faith that can overcome them and ultimately send them back into the eternal Fire. And that is why they fear you. That's why twice already, they have tried to kill you and drag you into hell."

Geoff sank back onto the couch. His heart had been weighed down with an extreme burden that lowered him physically.

"Have I not commanded you?" the angel said. But now his voice was stronger- powerful enough to strike fear into Geoff's heart, but soft enough to erase all his fears. "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." *

Then, the angel was gone in a flash. All that was left was a single white feather.


*: Joshua 1:9 (NIV)



Ok, that's all of chapter four. Hope it's enjoyable. And once again, thank you for pestering me to get it up, it feels good.

God bless, Alien

alienyouth9292
03-30-2007, 06:01 PM
cool....if u want any critisism, it is that the conversation between Geoff and the angel seems a little awkward.....

I Bite
03-30-2007, 08:46 PM
Is this rough draft?
i only ask cuz i'm spotting a few grammar errors...
the only other thing that I noticed right off is that you use "said" alot, which is not bad, it just gets boring.
Also, what ^ said

otherwise, good job

aliensoul_squire20
03-31-2007, 01:05 PM
Thanks.

Jesse, what do you mean "awkward". That could mean a lot of things. The way that I wrote it would be sort of a how I'd handle myself in best-case scenario, which would be awkward because I wouldn't know how to talk to an angel. Plus, I'm trying to write the angel to be, well, like an angel. So, please clarify what "Awkward" means.

And Sthepani, yes, rough draft. It's a little less rough than the original, but it's very rough. I won't be to the proofreading and editing 'till probably after I have the main story down, and then fix problems, add on and make it more interesting.

Just a warning, the next chapter's probably gonna have way more grammatical errors in the mixture. So i apologize in advance.

Once again, thanks for the complements and criticism.

God bless, Alien.

alienyouth9292
03-31-2007, 06:00 PM
Thanks.

Jesse, what do you mean "awkward". That could mean a lot of things. The way that I wrote it would be sort of a how I'd handle myself in best-case scenario, which would be awkward because I wouldn't know how to talk to an angel. Plus, I'm trying to write the angel to be, well, like an angel. So, please clarify what "Awkward" means.

And Sthepani, yes, rough draft. It's a little less rough than the original, but it's very rough. I won't be to the proofreading and editing 'till probably after I have the main story down, and then fix problems, add on and make it more interesting.

Just a warning, the next chapter's probably gonna have way more grammatical errors in the mixture. So i apologize in advance.

Once again, thanks for the complements and criticism.

God bless, Alien.




i just mean that if i was Geoff i would be spazzing out talking to an angel...you made it seem way too normal. for example:

"God must have pulled you back out," the angel said. He was showing a first sign that he didn't know all the answers. "That's curious. You showed faith when you cried out to God. You should, after all circumstances, be in hell right now."

"Oh, that's a comfort," Geoff said sarcastically.

"But it's true," the angel said bluntly.

"Okay, whatever," Geoff said, not wanting to think about being in hell. "Back to the demons. Why are they afraid of me?"


i wouldn't be sarcastic to an angel of God!!

aliensoul_squire20
04-01-2007, 08:45 AM
good point

aliensoul_squire20
04-22-2007, 06:44 PM
I know, long time between. but I wasn't getting anyone asking for it.

So, without any coercing, here's chapter 5.

V

Geoff examined the feather. It was brilliant white, and every bristle was perfectly smooth.

Geoff snapped back to the reality of the oncoming danger. There was one question left unanswered.

"When's this going to happen?" Geoff called out.

No answer, audible or spiritual, came to him.

Geoff set the feather back down. He decided not to take it with him because it looked like nothing from any feathered creature on earth. Best to avoid explaining. Plus, judging by the exterior of the building, no one would come inside to discover it.

Geoff stepped out into the world again. What was once so familiar- the sounds, sights, and smells of the city- now seemed alien to him. He looked at everything through different eyes now, truly seeing, for the first time, how evil things in the world were. For example, watching people walking past smoking, or people walking into the bar across the street.

Another thing also changed in Geoff.

He was more cautious. With every step taken, he tried to sense something awry. Something that would give him a lead on the coming demons. He would also move quickly across the street, at crosswalks only, to avoid any possible mobile attack.

Geoff finally got home, no problems.

Another thought struck Geoff. <How am I supposed to explain this sudden recovery? I'm supposed to keep this cast on for another six weeks, and the splint at least two. I guess I'll just have to pretend and keep this stuff on.>

Geoff looked at his casted arm and sighed. "Why couldn't the angel have left my arm broken?"



Okay, there's mor to the chapter, but I've gotta stop her to go to bed. I'll try to get more/the rest up tomorrow.

God bless, Alien

froggie socks.
05-08-2007, 03:13 PM
i love you're story, but i have a question, why did he want the angel to leave his arm broken?? or did i just misread?? i don't know, but anyway, it's good, when i read chapter 3, i broke down and started crying and re-dedicated my life to God, it made me realize that i too had turned my back on God, and was afraid to go back, because i figured he was mad at me and didn't love me no more, so thank you, i love it, keep writing.

aliensoul_squire20
05-09-2007, 06:08 AM
Ok, the "Why couldn't he have left my arm broken" thing is a sarcastic tone. And he thinks to himself, <how am I supposed to explain this sudden recovery?> The chapter continues after where I left off, but I haven't had time to finish posting it. He's gonna have to put up an act for the next six or so weeks that his arm is borken. Seriously, would you want to have a cast on a non-broken arm?

And I'm glad thatn chapter 3 had an impact! ^_^ That's one reason I'm writing, is to have an impact.

I really want to get the rest of this chapter up, but I'm under a lot of pressure in school right now. So, sorry to anyone who really wants to read it.

God bless, Alien

froggie socks.
05-09-2007, 01:20 PM
ah, i get it now, ok. I guess having a non-broken arm in a cast would kinda suck, i could hardly stand a [I]broken[I]arm in a cast, i'm so happy my dad cut it off after like a week. ;) , yeah, anyway, you're making a big differance in my life, i plan on talking to my youth group about the message in ch. 3 tonight, so thanx, keep writing it's really good.