riz
02-19-2007, 07:38 AM
I'm in the middle of writing a group of short stories I hope to compile together. This one is 14 pages long, so I'm going to put down the first two (so it'll be a highly short excerpt). If any of you want to comment, fine; criticism is OK also.

Luckily, I didn't have to edit anything here to make it board-friendly. Huzzah!



***


February

ďThank you. Please come again.Ē

Thatís all I need to hear.

Quickly dash in the car. Lock the doors. Put on my seatbelt. Turn the ignition. Vroom the engine. Move to reverse and back out of my space. Veer to the left and breeze out of the parking lot.

No one knows quite yet. At least I think thatís the case.

Take a right onto Leeds Road. This splash of pavement stretches far into the horizon. Trees branch over and make a tunnel for me, as if Iím in a fairy tale.

Straight ahead on the street, all the way down. Leeds Road. Safe from any surveillance right now. Leeds Road is a prime choice for a clean, clear getaway.

The speedometer begins its sunrise on my dashboard, arching into the sky. Up to 20, 30, 40. The limit on Leeds is 35. I hover at 50, and Iím perfectly safe with that. Then I go to 55. Still safe.

No other cars around me, no comfortable hideouts for radar guns.

Fifty-five miles-per-hour. My eyes pin to the mirrors to make sure there are no red-and-blue warnings headed my direction. Yes, Iím safe. No one saw me. No one knows. No one knows, just yet.

I think I can pull it off. Itís been done before. I knew what to do. This time, however, my planning did not brush through as well as Iíd have liked. My finesse decided to flutter away right near the final stages of carrying out my plan. I slipped and fell near the sliding doors at the corner-store.

Itís cold out. Below zero, Iíd wager. Has to be that cold. I kept my ski cap on, eyeholes and mouth-hole allowing the ice to chip at me, magnetized. I felt as if I was on a mission in there, some top-secret government mission. I was the CIA inside, or a member within the Department of Defense, looking out, raking the surroundings for something awry.

Holding danger back. Being all subtle about it.

The manager needed to purchase a mop. The slushy remnants of whatís under shoes kept base at the door. I fell there after purchasing something else, almost releasing the purloined goods underneath my navy parka. He almost saw it. But I didnít let him see it. I turned around, prodding myself, keeping cool, all video cameras still unsuspecting.

∑Number one rule when shoplifting is that you buy something else, something to make it seem that you arenít a burglar.
∑Number two rule is that you go to places that donít have those detectors at the door. To inspect the barcode, see if you paid for what passes through.
∑Number three rule is that you scope out the place days before, to see where the video cameras donít catch, where you are the safest to go and snatch without being seen. And if you are seen, be discreet, be unrecognizable.

When I get to my place, I will be burning these clothes.

Iím still on Leeds Road. Iím now at 65. And Iím still going fine.

theelectric3
02-22-2007, 04:05 PM
i like how it reads and grabs your attention.

unshakeable15
02-24-2007, 01:11 PM
If this ever gets published, i imagine you'll get the same criticism Chuck Palahniuk got for "Fight Club."

You're teaching people how to do all sorts of stuff that's wrong and immoral.

But, i know you're smart enough to not listen to them and keep this as is, because it works great (at least, what's here. For all we know, the next section totally destroys this one, but i somehow doubt it).

fire-inside
02-26-2007, 02:02 AM
It might have taken me a bit to get to it, but I promised I'd read and give you any feedback I had.

So I read. And I really enjoyed it. And that is all there is. I always enjoy the way you word things. You write just like having a conversation with you. And that is wonderful.

NightCrawler
03-01-2007, 12:19 PM
I like the style. Uniquely good.

I Bite
03-01-2007, 12:53 PM
*waits impatiently for more*

I like it a lot.

riz
03-03-2007, 10:57 PM
Thanks everyone.

I might put some more of the story up in the future.

Laerasyn
03-04-2007, 07:54 PM
That was pretty cool... I like the present-tense, action-y style, and it reminded me, too, of Fight Club, kinda. Very personal and attention-grabbing. I like. ;D