frymeskillet
03-28-2007, 12:57 PM
This is probably the longest poem of all my poetry, not the best however. I wrote this about someone, and I no longer have these feelings...touchy subject. I tried something different than in all my other poems, namely, I began every line with an -ing word...until it gets to past tense. I will most likely be posting more. Any criticism welcome. :)

Walking Into Oblivion

Laying outside
Looking up at the stars
Thinking about tomorrow
Wondering where you are.

Wondering if you're outside too
Thinking the same as me
Pretending the air around me is you
Avoiding the fact that we may never be.

Filling my head with your essence
Surrounding myself with your arms
Feeling your very presence
Willing myself to your charm.

Wishing you were here by my side
Laughing and talking about nothing at all
Wishing on shooting stars
Hoping you'll always be there to catch me when I fall.

Imagining us together
Holding each other's hand
Going through it all together
Walking into oblivion.

Cherishing moments hoped for
Dreaming, there I lie
Cascading deep into my thoughts
Hearing in the dark night a sigh.

Sitting up
Facing the unknown
Beating furiously, my heart quickens
Seeing you standing there alone.

Walking over you lay back beside me
Looking warmly into my face
Stalling out before you started
Having no intention of reaching first base.

Starting slowly you begin
Telling me about your night
Asking me about the wind
Wondering if your words took flight.

Speaking so softly
Straightening your hair from it's disarray
Beating furiously, you heart quickens
Blurting out the things you came to say.

"I was laying outside
Looking up at the stars
Thinking about tomorrow
Wondering were you are.

I was wondering if you were outside too
Thinking the same as me
Pretending the air around me was you
Avoiding the fact that we never be.

I was filling my head with your essence
Surrounding myself with your arms
Feeling your very presence
Willing myself to your charm.

I was wishing you were here by my side
Laughing and talking about nothing at all
Wishing on shooting stars
Hoping you'll always be there to catch me when I fall.

I was imagining us together
Holding each other's hand
Going through it all together
Walking into oblivion..."

Taking my hand he held on tight
Breathing deeply, letting out the stress
Beating furiously, our hearts quicken
Remaining there never to evanesce...

Laying outside
Looking up at the stars
Thinking about tomorrow
Knowing where we are.

Knowing we were outside together
Thinking the same thing
Knowing the air around us is each other
Embracing the fact that we'll always be.

Filling our heads with each other's essence
Surrounding each other with our arms
Feeling the very presence
Willing ourselves to each other's charm.

Knowing we were here by each others side
Laughing and talking about nothing at all
Wishing on shooting stars
Knowing we'll always be there to catch one another when we fall.

Knowing we'll always be together
Holding each others hand
Going through it all together
Walking into oblivion...

frymeskillet
04-02-2007, 07:54 AM
Geez, I didn't think my poetry stunk that horribly... :P

I Bite
04-22-2007, 05:21 PM
i like it...i'm not a writer of poetry, and i've never taken a class, so my opinion is somewhat uninformed, but...Yeah, i think its pretty good.

frymeskillet
04-23-2007, 08:13 AM
FINALLY! Sorry...I was beginning to think I stunk at poetry. :) Heheh. Yes, thank you. I might have to post some other poetry that is shorter and better quality...maybe.

The Lamma
04-23-2007, 12:03 PM
I only got half way...But it was good. I stopped because I hate length of anything on the computer, even if its a pdf of one of Ted Dekker's books (my fave author), so don't feel bad about that. :) If I was to say one thing, it would be that a few lines need fixed timing, but thats a really common thing in poetry. Good work. :)

V-Ball Queen 32
04-23-2007, 01:59 PM
Hey, nnniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiccccee! Not bad, if you ask me. Remember that your poems may be based off of your feelings, but it's not like they have to. So no worries about if it doesn't apply to you or not, because it's still reaching someone else (like me! That's exactly how I feel.) Pardon my cheezieness . . .but you go, girl!:)

The Lamma
04-23-2007, 06:43 PM
Yeah, I write about things that don't completely apply to me, and I know that people have learned from it.

frymeskillet
04-27-2007, 01:24 PM
I write mostly out of my own feelings, but I have written a couple crazy ones that would never apply to me... Thanks for the advice, I tried to fix those out of place lines, but I couldn't fix it without having to fix everything else.

I wrote this one today, I guess it's a free verse. Next. I'll post a crazy one. :P

Only You

Only you can calm my storms,
Only you can turn the tides.
Only you can really love me,
Only you can love my mistakes.

Only you can find me,
Only you can comfort me.
Only you can guide me,
Only you can know.

Only you can condemn me,
Only you can choose not to.
Only you can set me free,
Only you can bind me.

Only you can take my life,
Only you can save it.
Only you can end my suffering,
Only you can mend it.

Only you can make me cry,
Only you can wipe the tears away.
Only you can allow me to leave you,
Only you can make me stay.

Only you can find my strength,
Only you can use it.
Only you can give me courage,
Only you can keep me from abusing it.

Only you can kill my being,
Only you can replace it with yours.
Only you can make me whole,
Only you can open the doors.

Only you can be my God,
Only you can keep the job.
Only you can be mine,
Only you, Only you.

Anonymous2011
04-27-2007, 01:32 PM
That sounds good, you should write a book or something.:)

The Lamma
04-27-2007, 02:17 PM
I like the way you did 'Only you can'. Too much stereo-typical rhyming poetry lately. :P

frymeskillet
04-28-2007, 08:15 PM
I like the way you did 'Only you can'. Too much stereo-typical rhyming poetry lately. :P

Thanks, I didn't even think about the end being 'Only you can, Only you can...' Do you think it would sound better?

And Thank You to the other compliment as well!

frymeskillet
04-28-2007, 08:21 PM
That sounds good, you should write a book or something.:)

I actually think I have enough of them to publish a book...around 50 or so I would guesstimate.

The Lamma
04-28-2007, 08:42 PM
The 'Only you can...' thing makes it kinda unique.

Laerasyn
04-29-2007, 09:23 PM
Comment on first one:

You communicate your emotions very well; so much so that a reader can feel it at the same time. Always a sign of good poetry, in my opinion.
CC: I have only one or two sticking points: first off, some of the stanzas were just a bit unnecessarily repetitive. I know you used repetition to your advantage towards the end and I did like that, but there were just a couple of places where it sorta felt like you were just saying the same thing over again a few too many times. Just something to think about.
Second thing: you managed to keep your rhyming consistent and not sounding forced, so that was happy (I always have trouble with that when I use rhyme), but when I think of rhyming poems, it just doesn't feel right to me without good rhythm, and I thought yours was off in a good deal of places. Perhaps if you kept the number of syllables in each rhyming line more consistent, it would help this a lot. Then again, you might have been going for a disordered effect... it just doesn't resonate with me as well that way.


Comment on Second one:

I have less to say about this one, mainly because it's a little simpler, but I like it a lot. I personally liked the repetition of the phrase, and you do it well without letting it get annoying or old. Again, your rhyming doesn't sound forced, and you're one of the few of us who are not afraid to use near-rhyme, which makes me happy. ;D And I like the ending the way you have it now better then adding "can."

That's about all I've got... good stuff. ;D

frymeskillet
05-19-2007, 02:27 PM
Comment on first one:

You communicate your emotions very well; so much so that a reader can feel it at the same time. Always a sign of good poetry, in my opinion.
CC: I have only one or two sticking points: first off, some of the stanzas were just a bit unnecessarily repetitive. I know you used repetition to your advantage towards the end and I did like that, but there were just a couple of places where it sorta felt like you were just saying the same thing over again a few too many times. Just something to think about.
Second thing: you managed to keep your rhyming consistent and not sounding forced, so that was happy (I always have trouble with that when I use rhyme), but when I think of rhyming poems, it just doesn't feel right to me without good rhythm, and I thought yours was off in a good deal of places. Perhaps if you kept the number of syllables in each rhyming line more consistent, it would help this a lot. Then again, you might have been going for a disordered effect... it just doesn't resonate with me as well that way.


Comment on Second one:

I have less to say about this one, mainly because it's a little simpler, but I like it a lot. I personally liked the repetition of the phrase, and you do it well without letting it get annoying or old. Again, your rhyming doesn't sound forced, and you're one of the few of us who are not afraid to use near-rhyme, which makes me happy. ;D And I like the ending the way you have it now better then adding "can."

That's about all I've got... good stuff. ;D

Thanks, I'll keep some of that in mind. In the first one, I didn't like some of the lines that messed up the rhythm, but I couldn't find much else to do with it. As for the repetitiveness, the second time around was a little unnecessary, but I found it kind of cool to repeat what I was thinking that he would be thinking it too...although it made it much longer than I expected...



Now for that crazy one I promised...Not the greatest of rhyming and the stanza structure is in quite disarray, but it has a lot of emotion. I wrote this one on June 6, 2005 and it's #16 in my poem book (which means it's rather amateur in content compared to some more of the poetry I write now), Don't worry, NOT from experience! ;D


Biggest Fan (Diary of a Stalker)

The darkness of the room consumes me,
Like water to a fish,
Why didn't you notice me?
To be with you was my one and only wish.

I call your name in my sleep,
The details of your murder are just beginning to seep...

All I meant to do was ask you "why?"
Why you didn't return my messages and mail I sent,
Why you ignored me,
And caused me to do something I never meant.

When you saw me that fateful day you began to run,
Not even listening to what I had to say,
I told you never to ignore me,
All I ever did was love you,
Why couldn't we be together?
But you called for them to help you.

You never should have done that,
Acting like I was a psycho,
You betrayed me and my life,
You caused me to let go.

The gun was meant to persuade you,
Not to cause your panic,
You screamed and I shot,
I was just trying to get you to shut up!

I heard a gurgle,
Pain sinking in,
I stumbled backwards in disbelief,
I certainly aimed to win...

Hiding in this dark room,
Thinking of what I had done,
I still believe,
That I have done nothing wrong.

What was that noise?
That clanging and shouting?
The police have finally found me,
I surrender! Please stop shouting.

I have moved to a new dark room,
This was certainly not my wish,
My fate turns out quite like yours,
Death will give me a lingering kiss.

Some may say I'm crazy
I'm trying to stay as calm as a can,
But I still argue,
That I was your biggest fan.



So, I have no idea what in the world provoked this poem...I wrote it while sitting in my room, listening through the wall at my parents negotiating a price for our land property with some buyers...No inspiration whatsoever. *shrugs* Oh well, tell me what you think!

frymeskillet
06-22-2007, 12:39 PM
Well, I must say...



This is a FABULOUS poem! How ever do you write so well.




C'mon guys, don't make me go narcissistic on you. :P

rock_out_loud7
06-27-2007, 03:31 PM
Wow I am becoming very interseted in poetry, but I am not at all this good. I have written a lot of poems, but only a few are good. I really liked that, I could picture it, and connect with it. Nice Job!

rock_out_loud7
06-27-2007, 07:06 PM
wow thats awesome! I really love poetry! And I enjoyed reading everybodys poems. Im not as good as that lol, and most of my poems are very short but I have at least 30 right now. Most of my poems are pure emotion though, but all of yours are deep and have depth, and it can relate to more people because you can interperate it differently. I will post some of mine later maybe.