NightCrawler
04-19-2007, 06:44 AM
"Awoke" (written at 2:34AM on April 19, 2007)

I woke up
She woke me
With her head full of hair,
Flowing like a trickling stream

I woke up
She woke me
With her hand grasping my shoulder,
As a climber holds a rockface

I woke up
She woke me
Calmly closing my sleepy eyes,
Knowing the serenity of her spirit

I woke up
She woke me
With a quiet, solemn kiss

The Lamma
04-19-2007, 12:26 PM
Interesting...Whats it supposed to be about? Did you have a message in mind when you wrote it? It just seems to have something hiding inside of it...Good, though.

NightCrawler
04-19-2007, 05:26 PM
The conclusion is supposed to fill in the entire context -- someone kisses you to wake you up. Re-read it, it might help paint the picture (her flowing hair, holding your shoulder, kissing you with your eyes closed)

DarkestRose
04-19-2007, 07:58 PM
That's really beautiful.

The Lamma
04-20-2007, 07:32 AM
It could just be taken in the wrong way, thats all. I get it now, I'm pretty sure.

NightCrawler
04-20-2007, 11:55 AM
How did you take it? ... (just wondering)

The Lamma
04-20-2007, 02:40 PM
It could either be that you're in love, which I'm pretty sure is what you wrote, or some seductive woman coming after you...

NightCrawler
04-21-2007, 06:07 AM
Wow. Seriously, wow. Wierd.

While I'm not in love, the poem is supposed to come from that perspective. But... there is this one girl who is, well... loose?... and hot.... and she's been chasing me.

That would be SO weird if that came out in my writing without my intention.

The Lamma
04-21-2007, 09:18 AM
Well, obviously it popped into my head, lol. And yeah, you don't necessarily have to be in love to write as if you are in love.

I Bite
04-21-2007, 11:08 AM
it is a wonderful piece of writing.

V-Ball Queen 32
04-21-2007, 05:51 PM
It sounds cool. Who cares who the people are:). You should post others here if you come up with any more.

The Lamma
04-21-2007, 05:56 PM
Poetry is good. Knowing (or kinda knowing) the poet is better. :P

(aka "yeah, I'd like more" :P)

Laerasyn
04-29-2007, 08:15 PM
I like this- you paint a simple but sweet picture. I like the repetition, you used that well. The imagery you use at the end of each stanza adds to that peaceful effect. And for the record, I did not read it like ^that until I scrolled down... but to be honest, you can read anything in that mindset and it suddenly takes on a different meaning.
If it makes you feel any better, I posted a sort of worship poem on fictionpress.com once that everyone took in a context totally unrelated to my intent, but similar to that one... Anyways, as I said, I really like this overall.
More?

The Lamma
04-30-2007, 06:39 PM
^ I like the way you 'grade' peoples poems. I'm checking your advice for other people for myself. :):P

DarkestRose
04-30-2007, 11:29 PM
I like this- you paint a simple but sweet picture. I like the repetition, you used that well. The imagery you use at the end of each stanza adds to that peaceful effect.

Yeah, that is how I felt about it. I didn't really put my thoughts into words which probably made for some less helpful feedback.

froggie socks.
05-09-2007, 02:05 PM
you repeated the same thing a lot, and it was really short, it was ok, but i know you could've done MUCH better, but considering you wrote it that early/late, i forgot which. it was good.

The Lamma
05-09-2007, 02:07 PM
I think he repeated 'I woke up, She woke me' for a reason.

froggie socks.
05-09-2007, 02:56 PM
i do too, but it got sorta oldish.