DarkestRose
05-12-2007, 11:47 PM
This is a problem that has been bugging me lately. I have a guy friend that I’ve known since one of my classes from my high school senior year. We talked a lot in that class and became casual school acquaintances. Quite a few people at the school seemed to pick on him, so I always tried to be nice because he’s my friend and because I didn’t want him to feel alone at school. We fell out of contact for awhile because he started home schooling and I graduated from high school, but lately we’ve been picking our friendship back up.

What’s bugging me is that he has interpreted my friendliness as flirting, which was not what I meant at all. I told him I wasn’t flirting but I feel like I was weak in making that point because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But now he wants to date me and I don’t want to date him. I don’t like him like that at all and I feel sort of insulted that he wants to completely skip over the friendship stage of our relationship to “dating.” And I’ve told him that I do not date, that I’m not into the idea of boyfriends, so it’s not like my standards weren’t clear. I also feel upset that, in knowing this, he went ahead anyway to say that he liked me, which really just makes our relationship more awkward.

But now I just feel really tense around him. I feel like he has a lot of immaturity to deal with and, of late, I just don’t want to be around him at all. But I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do or not because I’ve been inviting him to my church (since he doesn’t go) and trying to initiate spiritual conversations because I’ve really wanted him to know God. He seems to know church, but he doesn’t seem very passionate about God (which is one reason why I could never even consider "dating" him if I did date). From the start of our friendship, I just wanted to befriend him and show him compassion so that he would know God and know that God loved Him even if everyone else in the high school felt annoyed by him. I feel like if I stopped hanging out with him, that my “reaching out” to him would also be hindered.

I could use prayers that God would show me what to do as well as insights from the Panheads.

skynes
05-13-2007, 06:18 AM
Based upon what you say, he has no interest in what you say or what you want, only what he wants. He wants to date, you've told him no, he won't drop it.

I would suggest you do stop hanging around him. You've talked to him and made your position clear and he's not interested in listening. So walk away.

Maybe this will kick him in the pants to realise what he's doing and he'll wise up a bit, but it's possible he won't.

You have shown him compassion, shown him friendship and given him an opportunity. He turned you down. There's no further responsibility on your part.


Edit: In further thought I've concluded that since he's ignoring your wishes, he's not even ACTING like a friend, so it isn't so much that he's skipping friendship but he's ignoring that it is even there.

Friends do not ignore friends wishes.

Laura's input:

Laura's suggested that it's possible you might be his only friend, so that he possibly won't know how to handle friendships, and since a girl is showing interest in him, he might be misunderstanding that.

She suggests you make your point clearer (at the risk of hurting his feelings), and distance yourself a bit.

But then again he might also be a big jerk that wants his own way.

(I say LOL to that last bit.)

Just came to my mind:

Proverbs 27:6 "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful."

Tromos
05-13-2007, 12:36 PM
Just want to insert some perspective.

I know you aren't interested in dating, but have you really REALLY liked a guy? The emotion of it all kind of overwhelms you and, well, you don't always make the best choices.

I'm not saying that the advice from Scottie and Laura isn't appropriate. I probably is. But a certain level of empathy is always in the heart of a Christian. Don't be wishy washy in what you need to do. But don't let it turn into bitterness or let it move you to say slanderous things about him behind his back either.

DarkestRose
06-04-2007, 05:36 PM
We've talked again, and he did apologize for being too bold. I reaffirmed that I'm not in a place where I feel called to date and even though I think he still likes me, he's accepted that.

The Lamma
06-05-2007, 11:24 AM
The only guy a I believe girl should date, if she does date, is one who isn't too anxious. If they're too anxious, they're, well, too anxious!! I don't know exactly what he has in his mind, but if he really wants to do it, I'd say no.

skynes
06-07-2007, 06:56 AM
The only guy a I believe girl should date, if she does date, is one who isn't too anxious. If they're too anxious, they're, well, too anxious!! I don't know exactly what he has in his mind, but if he really wants to do it, I'd say no.


Dunno what you were trying to say.

DarkestRose
06-07-2007, 01:09 PM
I was thinking he meant guys that are anxious to date and/or have a girlfriend should be avoided?

timmyrotter
06-11-2007, 06:12 PM
This is a problem that has been bugging me lately. I have a guy friend that Iíve known since one of my classes from my high school senior year. We talked a lot in that class and became casual school acquaintances. Quite a few people at the school seemed to pick on him, so I always tried to be nice because heís my friend and because I didnít want him to feel alone at school. We fell out of contact for awhile because he started home schooling and I graduated from high school, but lately weíve been picking our friendship back up.

Whatís bugging me is that he has interpreted my friendliness as flirting, which was not what I meant at all. I told him I wasnít flirting but I feel like I was weak in making that point because I didnít want to hurt his feelings. But now he wants to date me and I donít want to date him. I donít like him like that at all and I feel sort of insulted that he wants to completely skip over the friendship stage of our relationship to ďdating.Ē And Iíve told him that I do not date, that Iím not into the idea of boyfriends, so itís not like my standards werenít clear. I also feel upset that, in knowing this, he went ahead anyway to say that he liked me, which really just makes our relationship more awkward.

But now I just feel really tense around him. I feel like he has a lot of immaturity to deal with and, of late, I just donít want to be around him at all. But I donít know if thatís the right thing to do or not because Iíve been inviting him to my church (since he doesnít go) and trying to initiate spiritual conversations because Iíve really wanted him to know God. He seems to know church, but he doesnít seem very passionate about God (which is one reason why I could never even consider "dating" him if I did date). From the start of our friendship, I just wanted to befriend him and show him compassion so that he would know God and know that God loved Him even if everyone else in the high school felt annoyed by him. I feel like if I stopped hanging out with him, that my ďreaching outĒ to him would also be hindered.

I could use prayers that God would show me what to do as well as insights from the Panheads.

sorry for being late... but i saw this a lot growing up. the thing is girls tend to befriend guys and think nothing more than friendship, but unless the guy is involved, most likely if a guy wants to hang out, its cause he wants to be more than friends. in fact from what i have seen, guys dont want to be "just friends" almost ever!

the best thing i think would be to tell him how you feel. communication is key in any relationship, it avoids pain and confusion. you may think you are avoiding hurting him now, but it will only cause more pain later...

hope that helps some...

The Lamma
06-11-2007, 07:08 PM
Timmy, I like hanging out with girls because they can make awesome friends. Yes, 1 out of the 20 I am friends with I want to get to know better for something more than friendship, but that is only one.

I was thinking he meant guys that are anxious to date and/or have a girlfriend should be avoided?

Yes. Anxious guys can tend to jump in too suddenly and do too much too soon...

dynamic099
06-11-2007, 07:25 PM
Girls can be guilty of the same thing as well, though. Just something to keep in mind for all the gentlemen around here.

DarkestRose
06-11-2007, 07:37 PM
People have read my second post, where harmony has beenr restored, right?

timmyrotter
06-11-2007, 08:10 PM
so it has... oops, its still good to talk about though.

DarkestRose
06-11-2007, 08:51 PM
Always good to talk about. :)

The Lamma
06-12-2007, 11:37 AM
Ya, I know that harmony is restored, but I really like talking about this kinda stuff, 'cause I like debates here, if you haven't noticed. :)

Girls can be guilty of the same thing as well, though. Just something to keep in mind for all the gentlemen around here.

Ya, but, as you probably wouldn't know very well since you're a girl, guys get turned on WAAAY easier than girls. The girl doesn't have to do a thing, even if she isn't modestly dressed and simply sitting in a chair.

DarkestRose
06-12-2007, 01:53 PM
Ya, I know that harmony is restored, but I really like talking about this kinda stuff, 'cause I like debates here, if you haven't noticed. :)

True that it's cool to debate/discuss issues. I just wanted to be sure that we knew that--for now--my confusion is passed. But I like the Christianity board discussions too.

dynamic099
06-12-2007, 04:50 PM
Ya, I know that harmony is restored, but I really like talking about this kinda stuff, 'cause I like debates here, if you haven't noticed. :)



Ya, but, as you probably wouldn't know very well since you're a girl, guys get turned on WAAAY easier than girls. The girl doesn't have to do a thing, even if she isn't modestly dressed and simply sitting in a chair.

Yes, that's very true, but some girls do tend to go for basically anyone. I guess it's more of a standards thing, is what I'm trying to say.

DarkestRose
06-12-2007, 05:46 PM
Jen's right. (That's a great first name, by the way.) There are some girls who just want to have a boyfriend and are just as anxious as some guys can be.

The Lamma
06-12-2007, 08:08 PM
Yes, that's very true, but some girls do tend to go for basically anyone. I guess it's more of a standards thing, is what I'm trying to say.

Some girls. At least, as far as I know. :P But guys will go for any girl they can get, though. The hotter the better. Hormones and temptation can be an ugly mix withing a guy. Guys in general also tend to want to go further and quicker than most girls.

DarkestRose
06-12-2007, 10:00 PM
Surely, not all guys want to date just any hot girl.

And surely there are some guys who are aren't as--erm--impatient? Even with girls who are morally loose and come on to a guy, I would think that there would be some guys at least who would refuse based on moral convictions.

The Lamma
06-13-2007, 12:12 PM
You'd be surprised. But yes, there are a few. About 5% of the guy population, it sometimes seems...