bob
09-22-2003, 10:46 AM
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and as the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers lighted up above the wall. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction, and then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

kat
09-22-2003, 10:48 AM
Uhm... very... interesting... :)

bob
09-22-2003, 10:59 AM
Hey you wanna hear the joke about peanut butter

kat
09-22-2003, 11:00 AM
No. Not really... noo...

bob
09-22-2003, 11:02 AM
Well I couldn't tell you anyway you'd just spread it around

kat
09-22-2003, 11:03 AM
It helps that I don't want to know. :)

middlearth
09-22-2003, 01:00 PM
LOL. That peanut butter one is mad!

kat
09-22-2003, 01:06 PM
How many lemons grow on a tree?

All of them. :)

middlearth
09-22-2003, 02:14 PM
I would just make a post that said "lol" but the rules say we aren't allowed to do that. So I am typing out an explanation for why I am only typing "lol". Because I want MorningGlory to know that I thought her joke was quite funny and I laughed. Even though I can't think of a joke on my own right now. There, now I said it. LOL

pidget
09-22-2003, 04:29 PM
I hate blonde jokes b/c I'm a blonde but I love this one:

All the blondes get together to prove once and for all that they're smart.
At the convention, which had about ten thousand blondes, a professor called on of the blondes on stage.
"You are here to represent all the blondes in the world. If you can answer my question then we will know that blondes really are smart." said the professor, and the blonde agreed to the test.
"All right," said the professor, "what is 100 x 100?"
The blonde stood there for a long time thinking, then she said, "1,000!"
"No, I'm sorry you are incorrect." said the professor.
So all the blondes start chanting "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
"Okay," said the professor, "what's 10 x 10?"
The blonde thought for a while then said, "20!"
"No, I'm sorry, but you're wrong again." said the professor.
And again all the blondes start chanting "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
"All right," said the professor, " what's 2 + 2?"
The blonde thought, then said "4!"
And all the blondes start chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"

kat
09-22-2003, 06:09 PM
How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?

Tell her a joke on Monday. :)

skelfy
09-22-2003, 06:18 PM
What do you get when you play a country song backwards?

You get yer truck back, wife back, dog back, and beer back. ::)

kat
09-22-2003, 06:22 PM
How can you tell when a blonde has made chocolate chip cookies?

There are M&M shells on the floor.

middlearth
09-22-2003, 07:17 PM
*smacks self* darn, these are funny!!

kat
09-22-2003, 07:21 PM
:)

How can you tell if a blonde has used the computer?

There's white-out on the monitor.

middlearth
09-22-2003, 07:26 PM
ROFTLOL! That is mad funny. I like blonde jokes; since I myself am not a blonde. I feel like I should post a joke but I can't think of any that arent extremely old.

kat
09-22-2003, 07:31 PM
How to wash a cat:

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.


3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.


4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.


5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet--cat is enjoying this).


6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.


7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.


8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.


Sincerely,


The Dog

middlearth
09-22-2003, 07:33 PM
I should do that sometime! :D No, just kidding. I don't like to torment small animals, really!

kat
09-22-2003, 07:33 PM
Do it to a squirrel. ;)

middlearth
09-22-2003, 07:55 PM
*gasp* no! Squirrels are my friends!

kat
09-22-2003, 07:58 PM
Once upon a time, there was a blonde who was having trouble paying her bills. She was low on cash, and needed money desperately.

so she decided to pray to God for help.

"Dear Lord, please help me. I believe You will tell me what to do. I give myself to you."

and then, she felt the holy spirit move her- lottery.

"Your going to let me win the lottery? Well, okay. I trust You."

So she prepared and watched the lottery when it was time to announce the numbers, but she didn't win. She became desperately depressed, and prayed, "God, I felt You move me, I thought You said You'd let me win the lottery. Lord, if I don't come up with money soon, I'm going to lose my house. Please help me.

And the Holy Spirit moved her again- lottery.

"Well, okay" said the blonde. "I trust You."

So she prepared again, and watched the winning numbers the next time the lottery was read. But she still didn't win.

Horribly depressed and crying, she prayed to God again- "Dear God, why haven't You helped me? I put my trust in You! Now I'm going to lose my house and I will have to live on the streets."

Then God spoke to her directly, with words- "WORK WITH ME HERE! Buy a lottery ticket!"

skelfy
09-23-2003, 02:27 AM
*gasp* no! Squirrels are my friends!


AH. I would NEVER hurt a squirrel. They get enough crud already fer breaking into the bird feeders.

Eh...I don't know a joke. :o

bob
09-27-2003, 09:41 AM
Speaking of squirrels ... One time this squirrel got stuck in my bird feeder it was trying to get seed inside and it lifted the lid got in and couldn't get itout... So I walked up to the bird feeder and shook it and the squirrel was spazing and eventually squuezed itself out and never returned to theese parts again... ;D

chaotic-land
09-27-2003, 11:59 AM
Speaking of squirrels ... One time this squirrel got stuck in my bird feeder it was trying to get seed inside and it lifted the lid got in and couldn't get itout... So I walked up to the bird feeder and shook it and the squirrel was spazing and eventually squuezed itself out and never returned to theese parts again... ;D


lol

skelfy
09-27-2003, 12:04 PM
HEHEHE!!! I am a spaz too! I love squirrels.

completely_nuts
09-30-2003, 12:57 AM
I can't think of a joke at the moment, but I like the cat-wash one, even tho I don't like to torment animals.

bob
09-30-2003, 07:23 AM
I do... ;D

kat
09-30-2003, 07:24 AM
Well, we figured that. ::)

bob
09-30-2003, 07:27 AM
Not doggies though ;D

kat
09-30-2003, 07:28 AM
Not even the little ones that are so easy to step on?

bob
09-30-2003, 07:40 AM
I let the Chineese use them ;D

kat
09-30-2003, 07:42 AM
No, they use cats. ;)

bob
09-30-2003, 07:44 AM
Koreans dog, sorry.

chaotic-land
09-30-2003, 10:43 AM
u know why they call 'em man's best friend right? cause the way to a man's heart is through his stomach ;)

kat
09-30-2003, 10:44 AM
Uhm. Yeah, that's exactly the reason. :)

completely_nuts
10-03-2003, 09:21 AM
Not doggies though ;D

My dog is very stupid. He's a mini daschund, but he thinks he's a big dog. He attacks coyotes. He is now mentally disturbed because he attacked a coyote and it bit him. He sees "things" in the bushes and trees.

kat
10-03-2003, 11:05 AM
Our old cat killed a coyote and he's still alive.. ;D

completely_nuts
10-03-2003, 11:41 PM
well, my dog is smaller than most cats so.....

skilletosis
10-04-2003, 12:07 AM
I had a siamese cat when I was really little. He used to corner the neighbors dogs and they would call my mom to come and get him. Also one time just after the nieghbors had thier dobies ears clipped; my cat jumped up on the dogs back, dug his claws in, and away they went. Looked like a jockey on a riendeer. It was hilarious..

john316
10-04-2003, 02:32 AM
No, they use cats. ;)


I posted this before on the old ph's board but since you guys brought it up...Check this out... ;D

http://users.abcs.com/townsend/cat-kettle.htm

kat
10-04-2003, 03:54 AM
No, they use cats. ;)


I posted this before on the old ph's board but since you guys brought it up...Check this out... ;D

http://users.abcs.com/townsend/cat-kettle.htm


I was waiting for that. ;)

airguitarrockin
10-05-2003, 08:41 PM
so waht do you get if you cross johnny resnick & dave grohl?

the foo goo fighter dolls!

strangeblueangel
10-07-2003, 10:23 PM
Time for my famous stupid jokes ::)

When the time to migrate came around, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south. So they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the Flight Attendant noticed that each had a dead raccoon under his arm. "Do you wish to check the raccoons as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied one of the vultures. "They're carrion."
;D (ahem now is the time to laugh)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An enormous earthquake measuring 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. It's estimated that 15,000 Mexicans have perished. The United States is in shock over this tragic loss suffered by its southern friends. Wisconsin sends 200 hundred tons of cheese to feed the hungry. Oregon sends 5000 trainloads of lumber to help build shelters. California sends 150,000 replacement Mexicans.
(ouch) :P

weebird20
10-08-2003, 06:51 AM
What's yellow, smells of bananas and you find it in da jungle?

Monkey vomit!

What's green and hangs from trees?

Giraffe snot!

::)

Sorry bout the jokes but i spend my days with kids n dats the kinda stuff that floats around inside my head when i get home ;D

unshakeable15
10-08-2003, 03:35 PM
speaking of lame-wad jokes, i have a friend who absolutely loves this joke. i think it's the sheer lameness of it that entices him. :-

what's long, brown & sticky?










a stick!

kat
10-08-2003, 03:43 PM
Nice. ::) ;D

How do you make an orange turnover?



Tickle its navel.

bob
10-10-2003, 08:28 AM
Ok you have to look close to get this...

http://cagle.slate.msn.com/comics/updating/zapiro.gif

completely_nuts
10-14-2003, 09:39 AM
I don't get it.

kat
10-14-2003, 09:40 AM
I don't get it.


There's a bird under the wall.

More so a dove with an olive branch.

airguitarrockin
10-16-2003, 01:24 AM
You might be from Ohio (pronounced O-hi-uh):
1) If you think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange! (YEA!!! brown and orange!! ;))
2) You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.
3) You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
4) You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candied ones.
5) "Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means south."
6) You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.

7) You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati.
8 ) "Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and deer hunting in the fall.
9) You measure distance in minutes.
10) Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
11) Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
12) You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
13) You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.
14) You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. For example: "Where's my coat at?"
15) You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
16) You think of the major four food groups as corn, potatoes, beef, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
17) You carry jumper cables in your car.
18) You know what 'pop' is.
19) You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
20) Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
21) You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.
22) The local paper covers national and international headlines on one
page
but requires six pages for sports.

unshakeable15
10-16-2003, 06:52 AM
13) You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July. that would be corn. ;)


18) You know what 'pop' is. that would be soda pop!


20) Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. you got that right!


no, i'm not from Oh-hi-uh, but i did grow up south of Shi-cah-guh (Chicago). ;)

bob
10-16-2003, 06:54 AM
Yeah and Im from Mare-land

cindergurl
10-16-2003, 07:41 AM
And I am from Can-A-Duh! but right now i am in Floor-E-Duh!

chaotic-land
10-16-2003, 10:25 AM
< from pen-sil-vein-ya

strangeblueangel
10-22-2003, 11:24 AM
How do you kill a blonde? You put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool

bob
10-23-2003, 05:34 AM
Alabama Laws: It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
You must have windshield wipers on your car.
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
Masks may not be worn in public.
Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.

bob
10-23-2003, 05:50 AM
Switzerland: It is illegal to flush the toilet after 10 P.M. if you live in an apartment.
A man may not relieve himself while standing up, after 10 P.M.

bob
10-27-2003, 04:28 PM
If Washington's wife went to Washington while Washington's washwoman washed Washington's woolies, how man W's are there in all?

unshakeable15
10-27-2003, 10:48 PM
since you so wanted someone to answer this...


there are no 'w's in the word 'all'. :)

bob
11-04-2003, 12:59 PM
Everyone should have this fear ;) Phengophobia: Fear of daylight or sunshine.

bob
11-04-2003, 01:02 PM
Ok this might be Ultimate Dumbness:

Bus Fare
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Two young larcenists in Florida--14 and 15 to be exact--appeared before Judge Larry Seidlin after stealing their twenty-fifth car in just two short years. After the boys were released, they walked out of the courthouse and realized they did not have bus fare for a ride home. Promptly, the duo stole number twenty-six; they crashed the vehicle into a fence less than an hour later.

bob
11-04-2003, 01:04 PM
This one is even better....

An elderly woman spent a leisurely shopping at the mall. Upon return to her vehicle, she found four strange males sitting in her car. Frightened, the woman dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun. She told the men that if they did not get out of the car, she would shoot. The four men ran off quickly, whereupon the lady got into the car. Her key, however, would not fit. The woman realized that her car was the identical one parked a few spaces down. She drove to the police department and reported the story. The officer on duty laughed hysterically and pointed to the other end of the counter where four pale men had reported a hijacking by a mean old lady; no charges were filed.

panheadchik
11-13-2003, 01:44 PM
LOL! thats a good one.

When a three-year-old opened a birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol.
He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
His Mother was not so pleased. She turned to Grandmom and said, "I'm surprised at you.
Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Grandmom smiled and then replied, "I remember."

billii
11-21-2003, 09:17 AM
WOW CREEPY! This is creepy!


Think of a letter between A and W.










Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.










Keep going . . . Don't stop . . ..













Think of an animal that begins with that letter.










Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.











Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animals name











Almost there........











Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.












Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level









Look at you palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand








Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?













Of course not.......










Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid internet games!

billii
11-21-2003, 09:20 AM
AHAHAHAHHAHA that's SO funny bob!! dude that's a lady after my own heart!! ROTFLMAO

bob
11-21-2003, 09:38 AM
I smacked myself in the face :'( ;D

bob
11-22-2003, 02:40 PM
Before we start, let's get something straight...

The Prime Minister of Israel sits down with Chairman Arafat at the beginning of negotiations regarding the resolution of the conflict. The Prime Minister requests that he be allowed to begin with a story. Arafat replies, "Of course."

The Prime Minister begins his story: "Years before the Israelites came to the Promised Land and settled here, Moses led them for 40 years through the desert. The Israelites began complaining that they were thirsty and, lo and behold, a miracle occurred and a stream appeared before them. They drank their fill and then decided to take advantage of the stream to do some bathing -- including Moses. When Moses came out of the water, he found that all his clothing was missing.

"Who took my clothes?" Moses asked those around him.

"It was the Palestinians," replied the Israelites--

"Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately, "there were no Palestinians during the time of Moses!"

"All right," replies the Prime Minister, "Now that we've got that settled, let's begin our negotiations."

airguitarrockin
11-23-2003, 12:58 PM
ROTFLOL!!! that's great!

bob
11-25-2003, 11:36 AM
This is good....

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2003/ga031123.gif

divinemutiny
11-26-2003, 07:26 PM
you see there was this bus crash and everyone that died God gave them one wish when they enter heaven. the first person asks to be beautiful and the guy in the back of the bus starts cracking up. the 2nd person also asks to be beautiful, and the guy in the back of the bus starts laughing even harder. so everyone askes to be beautiful right and the guy just keeps laughing. by the time its his turn he's on the floor laughing when hes done laughing God asks him what his wish is and he says "make them all ugly again"

<>< God Bless ><>
Ashley

xon
11-28-2003, 02:43 AM
ROTFLOL!!! ;D ;D ;D

completely_nuts
11-30-2003, 01:41 PM
Did you know that....
It's illegal to hunt camels in Arizona?
It's illegal to use reptiles in church services in Kentucky?
Forgetting to close a gate is illegal in Nevada?
It's illegal to throw orange peels on the sidewalk in Cambridge, Massachusetts?
Horses are strictly forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa?

(the last one made me laugh hardest)

airguitarrockin
11-30-2003, 03:25 PM
mm... fire hydrants... tasty ;)

billii
12-01-2003, 08:59 AM
http://www.dobhran.com/humor/GRhumor91.htm

rotflmao

oohh pretty buttprints...

O|O

punk4jesus
12-02-2003, 07:15 PM
My joke is this:


Man:Have you heard about the kidnapping at the Subway?

Woman:No I havent

Man:Yeah then he woke up get it KID-NAPPING!!!!

Woman:oh HAHA(I dont get it)

pidget
12-09-2003, 03:50 PM
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

airguitarrockin
12-09-2003, 07:39 PM
a country singer? an emo singer? a girl? lol

pidget
12-11-2003, 03:25 PM
No. They're called homeless. ;)

blended_alien_soup
12-16-2003, 04:43 PM
a little boy walked into a supermarket to buy some nappysand (powered bleach) when the store attendent ask him what it was for.... he said "for cleaning my dog with, because he is very dirty" she said "NO you cant do that you will kill him" but the little boy insisted and so she let him buy it.... he came back 3 days later looking very sad, she asked him "why do you look so sad" he said "he said my dog died" she said "i told you the nappy sand would kill him" he said, "no i dont think it was that, I think it was the spin dry on the washing machine"

completely_nuts
12-16-2003, 04:51 PM
ROFLOL @ ^!!!!!!

pidget
12-18-2003, 05:10 PM
Okay... my friend told me this story... it happened at her church... This 80+ year old woman tells them: "I had this lady come to my door, and she said I was suffering because I had movies in my house and music that wasn't completely based around God, and you know what I told her?"
"What?"
"I said: 'READ YOUR FREAKIN' BIBLE!'"

kat
12-21-2003, 01:25 PM
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the blonde, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."

"WRONG," replies St. Peter and proceeds to ask the redhead the same question, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The redhead replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the the birth of of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the redhead, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the brunette and asks, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The brunette smiles and looks St. Peter in the eye. "I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later betrayed and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified, and he was made to wear a crown of thorns, was hung on a cross, was stabbed in the side and was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.

Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."

gjellin
12-21-2003, 08:54 PM
LOL

where did blonde jokes start anyway? what does everyone have against us blondes? :'(

completely_nuts
01-01-2004, 01:00 PM
i dunno. but i have gotten teased so much for being a blonde.... ::) but i think they're kinda funny

skynes
01-05-2004, 03:19 AM
Okay... my friend told me this story... it happened at her church... This 80+ year old woman tells them: "I had this lady come to my door, and she said I was suffering because I had movies in my house and music that wasn't completely based around God, and you know what I told her?"
"What?"
"I said: 'READ YOUR FREAKIN' BIBLE!'"


Maybe it's just me but I don't get that ^

My Pastor told me once of some woman who had washed her poodle, then because she wanted him to dry quickly she stuck him in the microwave... Need I continue?

completely_nuts
01-05-2004, 08:54 AM
*laughs, but starts choking*


poor poodle.... :'( ;D

completely_nuts
01-21-2004, 07:03 PM
i got this in an email... lol..
~*~DADDY'S TEN~*~
~*~RULES OF~*~ ~*~DATING~*~
(Guys take note.)

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, imwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my >daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

airguitarrockin
01-22-2004, 06:37 AM
lol... i've read that before, and it cracks me up everytime... i don't think my dad would be THAT extreme, but i'm making sure that i've got the guy hooked pretty good before I bring him home, LOL.

john316
01-28-2004, 04:40 PM
A man who owned a construction company hired a chinese man.He told the chinese man that his job would be to keep him in supplies...he explained to him that his supplies was very important to keep his business running.He then asked the man if he thought he could do the job....the chinese man thought for a moment and finally said yes I think I can.

Several hours later he walked out to the job site and all his workers were just standing around.."Whats going on here" he asked..."why isnt everyone working"...one of the workers said "we dont have any supplies to work with". The man then said "What happened to that chinese man i hired for that job?" to which the worker said"we havnt seen him since you left hours ago.

The man said"Where did he go too?" and starting walking around the the job site looking for him.Just as he was walking past a big pile of dirt the chinese man jumped out from behind it and yelled......"SUPPLIES"

bob
02-01-2004, 12:55 PM
Darwin Awards
(29 January 2003, Brazil) At work, Manoel Messias Batista Coelho was responsible for cleaning out the storage tanks of gasoline tanker trucks. He had been employed in that capacity for two months when he ran afoul of fuel.
The 35-year-old began to fill a tanker with water, a standard safety procedure that forces flammable vapor out of the container. He returned an hour later to check whether the water level was high enough to proceed. But he had trouble deciding, because it was so DARK inside the tanker.

A resourceful employee, Manoel forgot the very reason why he was filling the tank with water when he lit a cigarette lighter to shed some light on the situation. His little test successfully determined that the water level was NOT yet high enough for safety. The vapor explosion launched him through the air, and he landed in the company parking lot 100 meters away.

Manoel suffered severe burns, blunt force trauma, and an injury to the head that exposed his brain. Our witless car washer had learned his terminal lesson in safety by the time the firemen arrived.

January 2003, India) Regarding accidental deaths during the construction of a subway in New Delhi, the New York Times wrote, "One of those killed was an unlucky thief who tried to steal braces holding up a concrete slab; it fell and killed him."

weebird20
02-04-2004, 11:45 AM
Where do you find a dog with no legs?




;D Where you left it.

dan
02-06-2004, 11:47 AM
i'm going to tell a dirty joke ok?

i just rolled around in the mud



(corny i know, but i didn't see a 'no corny jokes" rule :P )

alorian
02-06-2004, 11:56 AM
i really don't think that's appropriate >:( ;) :P

completely_nuts
02-10-2004, 08:10 AM
ooh!!!! i got another dirty joke!!!!!

pig fell in the mud.

wanna hear a clean joke?
pig took a bath.

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
::)

skill-o-rama
02-10-2004, 08:43 PM
What is green and goes 1000 miles an hour backwards?

Snot when you have a runny noise!!!

I know what you're thinking... it was snot nice to post that joke but I had to do it!!! ;D

alienated_twin
02-10-2004, 09:14 PM
i heard this a few years ago and was just reminded of it by skill-o-rama's joke.

"do you pick your nose and eat it? cuz if you think it's bread and butter itsnot."

middlearth
02-12-2004, 12:16 AM
LOL, yay for snot jokes. ::)

I like the poem in your siggy, alienated_twin. ;)

alienated_twin
02-12-2004, 08:05 AM
thanks. . . i heard it from one of my professors and thought it was hilarious. ;D

bigpanhead
02-13-2004, 09:47 AM
here's a joke

if a cow is brain dead, can a vegetarian eat it?


cuz it would be a vegetable!!! haha, hey, my aunt liked it

completely_nuts
02-13-2004, 03:45 PM
*reads it 3 times*
i don't get it ::)

bigpanhead
02-13-2004, 07:48 PM
cuz they call people that are brain dead a vegetable, so the cow would be a vegetable, and vegetarians don't eat meat, but the cow would now be a vegetable....ahh, forget it

firestarter4u101
03-08-2004, 04:42 PM
what did 50 Cent say when he got a sweater for his birthday?

Answer: GEE U KNIT!?


there were 3 tomatoes walking in a straight line, a dad tomatoe, mom tomatoe, and a son tomatoe..well the son tomatoe was falling behind and the dad got really mad and walked to the back of the line and smashed the son tomatoe and said, CATCH UP! (ketchup)


what did hellen keller say when her dog fell off the cliff?

Answer: blaaah blee uhhh....
(sorry if it is too "mean" but its funnier when you do it in person)

gv_reese_a_chance
03-25-2004, 01:52 PM
why does snoop dog carry an umbrella?


Fo Drizzle!!!!!

buckus
04-08-2004, 05:55 PM
I dunno if these have been posted already or not.. so erm chya.

~~~~~
The truck filled with 127 penguins breaks down on the highway. The trucker flags down a car and asks the driver to take the penguins to the zoo. The driver agrees, and the penguins pile into the car.

A few hours later, his vehicle is repaired, so the trucker goes to the zoo to make sure the 127 penguins arrived safetly. But at the zoo, there's no sign of the 127 penguins or the driver.

Worried, he jumpes into his truck and drives around town finally spotting the driver and the 127 penguins walking down the street.

"I thought I told you to take those 127 penguins to the zoo!" he yells.

"I did," replies the driver. "I had a little money left over, so I thought I'd take them to a movie."
~~~~~

This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots another blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road
and stops the car.

Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field. "Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it is an ocean of wheat."

The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. "It is dumb blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name." The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.

The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at blonde in the field yelling, "If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your butt!"
~~~~~

Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave kneels over. Frantic Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, :My friend just dropped dead,! What should I do?"

A soothing voice at the othe end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really daed."

After a breif silence the operator hears a shot ring out. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"
~~~~~

Zack, John and Billy are greeted in heaven by St. Peter. "We have only one rule," he says. "Never step on a duck."

But upon passing through the Pearly Gates, they're surrounded by thousands of ducks, and Zack steps on one. The duck quacks. Soon, all the ducks are quacking.

"I warned you not to step on a duck," admonishes St. Peter. He shackles Zack to a ferocious looking Amazon for all eternity. John steps back and is tethered forever to a shrewish woman.

Billy learns to watch his step. Then one day St. Peter chains him to a gorgeous girl.

"Wow!" exclaims Billy. "What did I do to deserve this?"

"I don't know about you," says the beauty." But I stepped on a duck."
~~~~~

disciple
06-24-2004, 10:17 PM
Zack, John and Billy are greeted in heaven by St. Peter. "We have only one rule," he says. "Never step on a duck."

But upon passing through the Pearly Gates, they're surrounded by thousands of ducks, and Zack steps on one. The duck quacks. Soon, all the ducks are quacking.

"I warned you not to step on a duck," admonishes St. Peter. He shackles Zack to a ferocious looking Amazon for all eternity. John steps back and is tethered forever to a shrewish woman.

Billy learns to watch his step. Then one day St. Peter chains him to a gorgeous girl.

"Wow!" exclaims Billy. "What did I do to deserve this?"

"I don't know about you," says the beauty. "But I stepped on a duck."
~~~~~
LOL! The story of my life!!!! ROFL!!!